Guy: My wife is just a hoot. She just tries and tries to undermine me.
–Craft, E. 19th Street
Girl: She’s into God and stuff like that. I hate that shit.
–C train
Overheard by: jason steinhauer
Slut: …all I know is that it’s $40,000 and you’ve gotta buy him breakfast in the morning.
–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Earth chick on cell: I had meditation and yoga class today. So, if you're coming over tonight we have to have spiritual sex.
–Barnes & Noble
Guy on cell: You're never going to believe this, but I need to tell you anyways. I just did some witchcraft.
–9th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Smoking Student
Yoga teacher: Not being able to do something can teach you a lot about yourself. Like how you're a fucking loser.
–Midtown
Rich white girl with dog in purse: Yeah, so when I went to go buy a dog, I picked Pookie out because he's a Pisces and I'm a Virgo, and that way our personalities will match.
–C Train
Overheard by: evan
White dude to another: I'd like to see what his chi looks like.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Aileen
Guy #1: It may take a few tries, but it works — you can flush them down the toilet.
Guy #2: I didn’t think you could flush something, y’know — solid. Don’t they jam up the toilet?
Guy #1: Nope. I guess they’re not big enough, or maybe I’ve been lucky, but I’ve never had a problem.
Guy #2: If you’re going to kill them anyway, I don’t see why you have those live traps.
Guy #1: Sherry won’t let me get regular traps, so I don’t tell her I’m flushing the mice, and everything’s cool. I just tell her I’m setting them loose outside.
–6 train, 23rd & Park
Man #1: There are no cute chicks here.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: Let’s go some place else — my wife is working overnight at the hospital.
–ESPN Zone Sports Bar, Times Square
Crazy man: Now, you probably don’t know this, but most of y’all have diabetes.
–1 train
Overheard by: bildita
Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: … What’s your sick policy? I was like, ‘Stay the fuck away from me, and don’t get me sick — that’s our sick policy!’
–13th & University
Overheard by: Dave D
Chick: I’da killed him if it wasn’t for that damn leukemia.
–9th & Smith St station
Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?
–17th & 6th
Girl on cell: I’m like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you’re clear, and then I come back and take over your body.
–33rd & 30th, Astoria
Overheard by: brigid
Lady in SUV shouting out window: What’s everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.
–Art exhibition, Spring St
Overheard by: namatovu
Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!
–13th St
Overheard by: questioning the physics
Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!
–84th & Amsterdam Ave
One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Dan
High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.
–72nd St & Broadway
20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.
–Ess-A-Bagel
Overheard by: Emma
NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!
–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo
Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!
–Bobst Library
Overheard by: ttny
Guy #1: Why are there so many homosexual Republicans? You hear about that eBay thing?
Guy #2: Ummm… No.
Guy #1: Yeah, that Mark Foley guy put his massage table up for bid, so I sent a message asking, ‘If I win, will I catch the gay?’
Guy #2: Well, did he respond?
Guy #1: He said yeah!
–Bathroom, Vig 27
Tourist dude: I would really like to go see Kevin’s uncle’s house.
Girl: Who?
Dude: You know, Kevin from “Home Alone 2”, I am sure the house is all renovated now.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: jlovely
Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah… I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in “She needs some dick!”
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh…sorry.
–St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: manishm
