Waiter: Hey, wassup? I’m Sean. What’s your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well…’cause, you know, I’m Jewish.
Guy: …Okay.
Waiter: Uh, ’cause you know, Kwanzaa’s a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn’t know that.
–Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That’s why you’re a dumbass.
–Union Turnpike station platform
Overheard by: Erna
Hobo: Ain’t no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.
–L train, Bedford Ave station
Chick: Where are we going?
Guy: The Junction.
Chick: Why are we going to the Junction?
Guy: Because you’re a loser. Because you question me.
–D Train
(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat!
–Uptown 1 Train
Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak.
–Mott St
Overheard by: robin
Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is.
–Thompson Street, SoHo
Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid.
–Near Herald Square
Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one.
–Millennium High School
Overheard by: Adriana
Polish guy: Dude, it smells like a midget's ass over here!
Friend: How do you know what a midget's ass smells like?
Drunk guy: He's Polish! How else would he be able to screw in a lightbulb?
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: POLA
Guy #1: I love Puerto Rico!
Guy #2: Oh, please! Puerto Rico is just like the Bronx, but it has palm trees.
–Chelsea
Overheard by: D
Preppy girl: So, like, Salman Rushdie had to move to America because that guy issued this fatwa thing against him.
Hipster guy: You mean the Ayatollah?
Preppy girl: I think it’s pronounced “aya-toy-a.”
Hipster guy: Ummm…Yeah, if he were Spanish!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: not an Ivy-Leaguer
20-something guy, holding long wooden board: Hey, can you spare some change for me and my wood to get a hooker?
Blonde party girl passing by, rubbing wood in sexual way: Oh, I like your wood…
20-something guy: Oh, thank you. (to girl sitting next to him) You'd think someone would give me money just for making them laugh, but no.
–St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: TR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!
–Metro North
Overheard by: Anna
Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.
–Troy Ave & Park Place
Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…
–3rd & 6th
Overheard by: j
Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!
–Broadway & 54th St
Overheard by: Loren
Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.
–42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Robin
Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)
–Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?
–East Village
