Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Friendship, Harassment, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Licking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?

10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?

–Coney Island-bound D train

Overheard by: BB

White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!

–Delancey & Essex

Overheard by: Red Hair

Guy walking through bar: What’s with Brooklyn and beards?

–Union Hall, Park Slope

Overheard by: jasonjason

Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.

–Kosher Delight

Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You’re taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Staying on the bus….

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Guys, Hair, Hudson River, Kids, Lower East Side, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Overheard Overheard, Park Slope, Philosophy, Prison, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Thugs, Tourists, Weirdness, White People

If You Thought Pot/Kettle, You’re As Bad As Them

Black lady #1: I’m still waiting for that African guy to get back.
Black lady #2: You mean the guy with the crazy kids running all around? Those kids were wild.
Black lady #1: Well you know those people, they aren’t used to being indoors.
Black lady #2: Yeah they used to running all around in the jungle.

–Central Post Office, 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Baby Bee

Posted on May 22, 2015
Black People, Etiquette, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style

Regardless I'll Chill with My Lost Homeboys

Volunteer: So, what do you want to be for Halloween?
Seven-year-old-boy: I was thinkin I'd be a gangsta…or Peter Pan.

–Shelter, the Bronx

Posted on May 22, 2015
Celebrations/Parties, Kids, Men, Questions, The Bronx, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

Posted on May 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Ethnic Food, Fashion, Fashionistas, Food, Friends, Girls, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, Rich people, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark

Five-year-old boy: I have nipples! Look! I have nipples!
Mother: Yes, you do.
Five-year-old boy: I have breasts!
Mother: No, boys don't have breasts.
Five-year-old boy: Neither do you!

–Old Navy, Chelsea

Posted on May 21, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Gender issues, Kids, Moms, Nipples, Parents, Physical appearance, Rack, Should've Used a Condom, Store

Failing That, the Coke Machine Gets Custody

Teen girl #1: Listen, if you put a dollar in a Coke machine, the thing that comes out is your Coke, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but–
Teen girl #1: –I’m just saying, the father should get the baby.

–9th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Nicole

Posted on May 20, 2015
Drinks, Kids, Money & Class, Parents, Philosophy, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Teens, Union Square and East Village

My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on May 20, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Kids, Love, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Relationships, Shoes, Sports, Thugs, Tourists, TV, Women

Unlike the Arrogant Production Crews Who Ruin Our Morning Commutes?

Film crew: Hey little girl, can you hold on a second? We're shooting a movie.
Little girl: For real? Can I be in it?
Film crew: No, you're not in costume. You'd have to be a gangster from the '20s.
Little girl: I'm gangsta! Look! (shoots him with fake gun)
Film crew: See those actors? They're in the right costume.
Little girl: They look like poor people. Can I say hi to the poor people?
Film crew: Not right now, we're in the middle of shooting, so we have to be quiet.
Little girl, screaming at top of her lungs: You are sick! You're not gonna let a little girl say hi to poor people?
Film crew, under his breath: This kid's going to ruin my life.

–Film Set, 160th St & St Nicholas

Overheard by: Natalie

Posted on May 18, 2015
Clerks, Film, History & Geography, Kids, Physical appearance, Washington Heights and Inwood

I See Your Chick-Fil-A and Raise You a Taco Bell

Toddler: Mommy, this bathroom is dirtyyy! Mommy? What’s the cleanest place in the world?
Mother: I don’t know, that’s a good question.
Toddler: Well, I know that the dirtiest place ever, ever, ever, ever, ever is Chick-Fil-A.

–Restroom, Lunt-Fontanne Theatre

Overheard by: Not eating at Chick-Fil-A anymore

Posted on May 17, 2015
Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Favorites, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Parents, Stall Spies, Theater

Kids

Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark