Laughter

Wednesday and the World One-Liners With You, Cry and You Cry Alone

Girl, loudly and enthusiastically: Everything I say is a joke!

–City Bakery, 18th St

Girl to guy: What's so funny? Did you fart?

–W 96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Megan W.

Santa, chasing scared teen: Do you think it's funny to throw things at people's heads? How about I break your face?

–42nd St

Girl: I'm really excited that, like, within our lifetime, there are gonna be funny movies about Obama.

–Manhattan Theatre Source

Overheard by: Emily B.

Laughing girl on phone: Come on, please! Please! Just take off your clothes and take pictures! (pause) Come on, mom, it would be so funny!

–Union Square

20-something skater guy to another: And then I started whackin' off, and it was hilarious.

–Broadway & E 10th St

Overheard by: Timothy

“Hold My Johnson” Is Up in Chelsea

Woman in Santa Claus costume, looking lost: Excuse me, honey, do you live around here?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman in Santa Claus costume: Do you know where there's a bar called Johnson, or Hold My Johnson, or something?
Girl, laughing: Johnson's? It's right across the street.

–Rivington St

Overheard by: hahahaha

Wanting to Eat Your Veggies Makes Us All Look Bad

Hyper kid to mom, loudly: Where is my veggie soup!? (repeats it several times)
Grumpy old dude: Shut the fuck up, kid!
(general laughter)

–Deli, 57th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: gunnarsix

Though Then We Could Definitely Fulfill Our Dream Of Getting on Cirque Du Soleil

Mother to grown daughter, as they huddle together: It's freezing!
(after a few minutes)
Mother: You're not warm yet?
Daughter: I'd be a lot warmer if I crawled up your crotch. (laughs)
Mother: You can't crawl up mommy's crotch anymore, now can you? You're too big!

–LIRR

Wednesday One-Liners Go Both Ways

Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!

–High School

Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: you tell 'em

Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?

–Building, Midtown

Overheard by: Delish

Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!

–Empire State Building

Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!

–Supermarket, The Bronx

Aren't You Glad We Can Talk Like This?

Tween kid: Dude, my mom wants to buy a fucking cow, and she's gonna put it on our apartment roof. (laughs) Thats her “dream” of a farm. I fucking hope she's kidding.
Tween friend: Dude, have you ever tried capers on Cheez-Its?

–Queens

I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though

Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick: Wait…what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.
Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.

–8th Ave, Chelsea

Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake…

Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Snakes on a Floor Was a Disappointing Sequel

Male straphanger, laughing: Why didn't you run out of the car like everyone else when you saw my six-foot yellow snake crawling on the floor?
Female straphanger, serious: I have one just like it at home! You coming back again tomorrow, so I can get another seat?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hansi

Like, a Nice Little Silver Clutch with Tassels?

Suit #1: Dude, could you imagine if, like, there was no paper money? And instead, all we had was coins made of some metallic elements?
Suit #2: Whoa, that would be pretty hot.
Suit #1, laughing: Yeah! (frowning) Except what if you wanted to carry $200 around with you? You'd have to carry like 200 coins.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: Then you'd probably have to carry around a purse.
Suit #2: Oh.
Suit #1: But couldn't you just imagine…?

–Fulton & Pearl

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