Wednesday Go-Down-On-Liners

Wholesome-looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want!

–Union Square

Girl with food: Do you think I'll get on the JumboTron if I deep throat this pickle?

–MSG: Rangers – Caps Playoff Game

40-something, during high school reunion: How dare you tell my husband I gave you a blowjob? I was a virgin in high school!

–Outside Jake's Dillemma

Women on cell: I told him, if he didn't start shampooing his pubes I would stop blowing him!

–14th St & 9th Ave

Middle-aged Romanian: I heard he gives better BJs than Santa Claus!

–Astoria

Overheard by: Crazy Romanians

Posted on June 12, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Balls, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Death, Families, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Jesus, Madison Square Garden, Marriage, Men, On Cell, Penis, Questions, Rumor Has It, School and studying, The Village, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Young Ahab Loses the Battle With the Great Brown Whale

Older brother: I just took the biggest shit in the bathroom I have seen in months. It started overflowing and I ran out.
Younger brother: Wow, I bet that thing put up a fight coming outta you, huh?

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Cody Smith

Posted on February 10, 2018
Brothers, Default, Fears, Guys, Madison Square Garden, Poop, Weirdness

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

Posted on May 18, 2016
Activists, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Drunks, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, One-liners, Penis, Rednecks, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Warning: Freedom Must Be Kept Refrigerated after Opening

Child #1, about strong fish smell: Yuck! What’s that smell?
Child #2: I smell freedom!

–Ferry near Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Tom Jotkowitz

Posted on December 30, 2015
Kids, Madison Square Garden, Scents of the City, Statue of Liberty

Sweet Georgia Brown Loves Basketball

Three-year-old girl: They got balls!
Mom: Balls?
Three-year-old girl: Yeeeeah!

–Globetrotters Game, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: amira

Posted on December 1, 2015
Balls, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Madison Square Garden, Moms, Weirdness

But Now I Won’t Let You Use It

Dude #1: Can I borrow your box cutter?
Dude #2: Oh, ’cause I’m a Puerto Rican I must have a box cutter?
Dude #1: Do you?
Dude #2: Well, yeah.

–25th & Broadway

Overheard by: Schatzie

Posted on August 2, 2015
Guys, Idiots, Madison Square Garden, Offers and requests, Puerto Ricans, Race, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

It Isn’t Easy Being Us

Chick #1: I just look for things in my cabinet to overdose on. Seriously, I need to go on strong medication. I have no boyfriend, no life… I need some medicine. I need it right now. Oh my god, I’m about to cry right here. And see, I’m getting so fat. I mean, I still wear the same size and weigh the same, but I’m getting so fat. I know it’s because I’m eating breakfast again. I usually do no breakfast, then yogurt for lunch and fish or something for dinner. I know it’s because of breakfast.
Chick #2: Well, I seriously can’t go home without drinking. It’s not like I’m a huge drinker or anything, but I just can’t stay away from wine once I step in the door.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Cathy Pyenson

Posted on July 19, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Girlfriends, Gripes, Idiots, Madison Square Garden

Lifestyles of the Wednesday One-Liners and Famous

Rich girl to friend: I couldn’t decide between the Marc Jacobs sweater and the Dior jacket. It was like Sophie’s Choice.

–Outside NYU dorm

Rich lady on phone: Uh-huh, uh-huh, but what if we just put the tennis court where the house was? … Okay, okay, what if we demolish the existing tennis court and make that area the guest house again? Or create a glassed-in structure over the court instead?

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: mkp-hearts-nyc

Man lunching with friend: I mean, I never lost a million dollars before.

–55th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: ilegal browser

Dad to child in stroller, passing the park: What? You wanted to go in there? I thought you said you wanted to go to Marc Jacobs.

–Hudston St

Overheard by: Colleen

20-ish girl: Fuck my dad. How selfish can you be? If I want to live on West 11th, then fucking buy the flat on West 11th. Ugh. Sorry. Can I get another dirty martini?

–The Village

WASP lady: She’s not even nouveau riche — she is just nouveau!

–A Voce, 26th & Madison

Posted on May 12, 2015
Dads, Default, Friends, Girls, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYC Geography, NYU, Philosophy, Rich people, Shopping, Store, The Village, West Village, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Whatever, Mr. Gender-Identity Gestapo

Madison Square Garden worker: Sir… Sir! Sir, where the hell do you think you're going?
Man, with five-year-old kid: I'm gettin' in the line for the bathroom.
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir, it looks to me like you're trying to get into the ladies bathroom.
Man: But I got a kid!
Madison Square Garden worker: Did you give birth to your kid?
Man: No!
Madison Square Garden worker: Then it looks to me like you're in the wrong fuckin line.

–Madison Square Garden

Posted on April 1, 2015
Clerks, Dads, Insults, Kids, Madison Square Garden, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions