Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Posted on March 24, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Duane Reade, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, JFK Airport, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Parents, Poop, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Barbie Dolls Get More and More Lifelike Every Year

Girl: It was because her labia was so strong.
Guy: You aren't supposed to talk out of your labia.
Girl: She wasn't talking out of her labia.
Guy: It was a queef. It's still a sound.

–30th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

Posted on March 5, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Farting & Burping, Girls, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Sensory Experiences, Vagina

Plus, She’s Deaf. And German.

Man: I’m thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife’s grandmother.
Lady: That’s cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don’t think I will. She’s old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.

–E 19th & Park Ave South

Headline by: boyhowdy

Runners-Up:
· “Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex” – Trey Jackson
· “But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing…” – wvs
· “Come to Think Of It, Maybe We’ll Stop Feeding Her, Too.” – Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· “He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live” – Gaijin
· “Man, Fuck Old People.” – RaRa
· “She Can’t Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife’s 14.” – RaRa
· “THAT’S for Pearl Harbor” – Daniel Patterson

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on March 2, 2016
Death, Education, Family Ties, Headline Contest Winners, Language Barrier, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Time, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Fail the Purity Test

Girl: I’m done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It’s four-gies only from now on.

–Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jaina Wald

Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

–Wall & Water

Overheard by: Aubrie

Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?

–Central Park

Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?

–Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus

Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like anyone there had any real porn background!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

–22nd & Broadway

Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn’t sleeping with an intern!

–45th & Lex

Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!

–34th St

Overheard by: naidababy

Posted on January 30, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Central Park, Condoms, Duane Reade, Global Geography, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Orgy, Penis, Preppies, Sex, STDs, Suits, Teens, Three is Company, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

The Word’s Out on The Bucket List

Woman #1: How are your girls?
Woman #2: They’re good. My four-year-old said something “sucked” the other day -that was fun.

–Crunch Gym, 38th St

Overheard by: Maggie

Posted on January 15, 2016
Compliments, Default, Family Ties, Gyms, Kids, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Women, Words

I Had Visions of Sugarplums

Cute girl #1: I kissed Santa!
Cute girl #2: I just grabbed his balls!

–Viacom holiday party, 34th St

Posted on December 28, 2015
Balls, Bimbettes, Celebrations/Parties, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Murray Hill and Gramercy

Why Grandma and Her Ventilator Are Currently Sleeping on the Front Stoop

Six-year-old boy in voting booth with mother: Obama for president! Mommy, I want Obama to win!
Mother to son: You wouldn't be living under my roof if you didn't!

–Voting Booth, 22nd & 2nd

Overheard by: Casey Felago

Posted on December 17, 2015
Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Parents, President, Wishes & desires

Or Single. With Chlamydia.

Guy #1: That girl’s not too bad looking. How old, you think? Married, possibly?
Guy #2: She looks 26 and pissed off.
Guy #1: So she must be married.
Guy #2: With kids.

–Madison Ave

Posted on December 15, 2015
Age/Aging, Anger Management, Beauty, Friends, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy

Wednesday One-liners, Altered States

Queer to hippie chick: I read what you wrote, and it totally made me want to do mushrooms with you.

–T Salon Emporium, 20th & Broadway

Girl: I wish I could bleach my brain.

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Posted on December 13, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drugs, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, One-liners, Queers

Wednesday One-liners Are Pastafarians

Man: …and then she’s gon’ ask me, “How was church?” I’m like, get the fuck outta here. How many times have I asked her to go to Goddamn church with me? Every fuckin’ Sunday, I ask that bitch to go to Goddamn church with me. Never! Not once has she come with me, now she wants to ask me, “How was fuckin’ church?”.

–Sephora, 19th & 5th

Overheard by: yassira diggs

Mormon guy: So last time I was here, I was trying to get to Columbia, and I missed my stop and got off in Harlem. And I looked around and thought, “I can’t believe I’m the only white person here!” And sure enough, I was the only white person there. I mean, I was wearing a tie!

–flight into JFK

Woman: Oh boy, you are in trouble girl. Jesus says to come over here right now. Jesus says come over here now!

–Brooklyn Museum

Guy: So I really need your advice. My wife was driving on the LIE, and she had a vision from God telling her to sleep with this other guy, so she did. Well, I finally got her to move back in with me, but now she says I’m full of shit and everything I say is a lie. I really want to work this out with her, you know?

–Penn Station

God Squad guy: I love all y’all in the name of Jesus, ’cause I got Jesus! I’m blessed, you’re stressed. I’m anointed, you’re disappointed!

–4 train

Overheard by: saltylips

God Squad woman: Here come da Jesus, fire from his mouth!

–1st Avenue L station

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Girl: Jesus there’s like a restaurant every two feet here.

–46th between 8th & 9th

Man: …come to think about it, my grandfather was in charge of the marshmallow burning during Joan of Arc’s burning, so I guess it’s in my heritage!

–45th between 8th & 9th

Overheard by: Alex Venguer