Wednesday One-Liners Can't Talk Here. It Isn't Safe

Conspiracy theorist: The government knows everything these days. The goddamn E-ZPass knows when I'm going to be intimate.

–Sly Fox Bar

Overheard by: Cait O'Connor

Dude on cell (angrily): You should not be paying that much for oil, man… No, we are not going to run out of oil anytime soon! Don't you know that there are X-ray satellites all around the Earth, and they know the location of all the oil, natural gas, and aluminum under the ground? We can do that, because we have the satellite technology!

–Bronx 2 Train

Elderly man seeing another with cochlear implant: Wow… now they re talking to your brain!

–Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: michael

Drunk hobo on R train: I never met a woman that wasn't a federal agent. You can't trust women. Women are like computers. Never trust a machine that can think.

–R Train

High school girl: You know what I just found out? Those crop circles are real! I didn't know that! And if you take an electronic device down there to video tape them, it will explode.

–Wendy's

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Buildings, Central Park, Cops, Drunks, Gender issues, Girls, Government, Guys, Hobos, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Teens, The Bronx

Once Again, I'm Just Your Doorman, Ma'am

Young hippie girl: So you're too tired to go to the Empire State Building and you're too hot to go on the boats? So basically you don't love me.
Old, sweaty, stressed guy (laughing): We're here again?

–Central Park

Posted on August 18, 2008
Central Park, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hippies, Love, Old People

Phyllis Puts on Her War Face Before Taking The Subway Home

Blue-collar guy holding elevator door: Have a good night.
Older professional lady getting off elevator: Peace out.

–Office Building, Park Avenue

Posted on August 17, 2008
Blue-collar workers, Buildings, Default, Etiquette, Office, Old People, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

A Real Man Has the Scars to Prove It

Older guy at table: Goddamn it!
Younger man: What's the matter?
Older guy: Do you ever get some loose skin from your ball sack stuck in you fly? I can tell you right now, it's a motherfucker!
Younger guy: No, that's why we wear underwear.
Older guy: Yeah, well back in my day I was raised without them and god forbid, as long as I live, I'll never put one on till I'm cold dead.

–Burger King, Broadway

Posted on August 16, 2008
Balls, Clothing, Death, Default, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness

Ah Well– I'll Be Back Tomorrow to Summarize Gone with the Wind

Old creepster: Do you have The Princess Bride?
Employee: Let me see. (goes to shelf) No, we don't have it.
Old creepster: It's the one that's got whatshername, Sean Wright Penn. It was the film that made her career.
Employee: Right, but…
Old creepster: She used to have hair down to her waist, but she had to cut it for this film. And the whole thing is a story told by Peter Falk, he's a pretty old guy…
Employee: Right, but we don't have it.

–Circuit City, 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on August 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Creepsters, Default, Hair, Movies, Offers and requests, Old People, Questions, Store

That's Just Your Conscience Dying

Ingenue: She looks good for her age.
Jaded older woman: Botox and lifts.
Ingenue: At least her hair is natural.
Jaded older woman: You kidding? She dyes every week.
Ingenue: Her teeth.
Jaded older woman: Please.
Ingenue: Why do I feel guilty just talking to you?

–Front & Wall Streets

Overheard by: Feeling Guilty for Just Listening

Posted on August 15, 2008
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Botox, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Gossip, Hair, Old People, Physical appearance, Plastic Surgery, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

The Wednesday Bone's Connected to the One-Liner Bone…

20-something girl: I don't let people with toes like that into my bed!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: insizlane

Old man on cell: Just tell her to go to Duane Reade and get that shit that puts your urethra to sleep.

–East Village

Overheard by: doctors are so jaded

Woman: My son has a perfect head, it's not flat on no sides.

–44 Bus, Staten Island

(man comes over and pushes down everyone's safety bar)
Woman: My uterus just came out of my vagina.

–Coney Island Cyclone

Guy on cell: …and it's just not Sunday unless you've had your finger in someone.

–Houston & Macdougal

Overheard by: Lish

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Coney Island, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Men, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Sexuality, Staten Island, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Dry Spell

50-year-old female crackhead hobo chasing a 30-year-old male post office worker: Why won't you fuck me? Come fuck me! Are you too scared to fuck me?!

–50th St & 5th Ave

Man talking to stranger outside peep show: No, no, no. This is a peep show. If you want to fuck someone, you have to go somewhere else.

–8th Ave, Midtown

Horny NYU hipster: I haven't had sex in 3 months! If I were a heroin addict I'd have been clean for 2 months already!

–NYU

Loud middle-aged woman on cell: And I was like, "Don't worry, lady, I'm not getting any action!"

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: the libbernator

Old man to old lady: No, I will not bonk you!

–Avenue J & E 12 St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Posted on August 13, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Druggies, Heroin, Hipsters, Hobos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Questions, Sex, Strangers, Stuyvesant Town, Time, Weirdness, Women

Because a Simple “Fuck Off” Just Isn't Very Classy

(very pretty girl waiting for the cross light to change)
Crazy old man: Yum, you sure are pretty.
(no response)
Crazy old man (excited now): Yummy! I like them pretty ones.
(pretty girl hisses at him and walks away)
Tourist dad to little girl: See, darling? That's how you handle those situations.

–Broadway & Houston

Posted on August 12, 2008
Beauty, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Dads, Default, Kids, Old People, Parents, Pedophilia, The Village, Tourists

[title Of Show] Is Even a Dumpy Title

Old obnoxious wife: Why is this set so dumpy? It's not a real set.
Old obnoxious husband: I think it might be ironic… It says “Look! We're on Broadway with a dumpy set!”
Young obnoxious girl in front of them (obviously a fan of the show): That's kind of the point. It's four chairs and a keyboard. And that's all they need to be successful. If you pay attention to the show, you'll find this out.
Old obnoxious husband: Oh, well… that's… poetic.
Old obnoxious wife: It's still dumpy!

–Lyceum Theatre, W 45th St

Posted on August 8, 2008
Advice, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Couples, Default, Girls, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Theater, Theater & Dance

Old People