Wednesday One-Liners Crank the Woofers

Suit: So what you really need to do is put together a social networking site for dogs.

–Barfly, 20th & 3rd

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Woman: I swear, my parents are only coming to visit so they can see my dog. Honest!

–Searchlight, 11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Conductor: Will the man with the small dog in the plastic bag please leave the train. That is not a safe way to be transporting a dog. Thank you.

–Bay Head Train

Guy riding past on a bike, yelling into his cell: Baby! If the dog is talking, that means one of two things…

–24th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: But it's not just any day of the year! It's Yom Kippur! (listens) Fuck you, Dave! Fuck you, and fuck your dog!

–Prince St

Overheard by: elle

Woman in elevator on cell (coming from attorney's office): You won't believe what he did! First he staged photos of me in bed with a dog. Then I turn the page and it's me in bed with my next door neighbor!

–Vesey St

Posted on August 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Conductors, Elevators, Insults, Internet, Judaism, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Pictures, Public Transportation, Sex, Soho, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Isn’t It Time You Talked to Your Kids About Wednesday One-Liners?

Creepster: Hey there… do you like drugs? … How about Gandhi?

–Chambers &and West Broadway

Girl on cell: So I opened the envelope on the train… Yeah it was heroin.

–W 46th Ave

Bum: Excuse me! Hey, hey! Excuse me! Check it out! I am going to smoke crack all fucking night, and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it, because that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to smoke so much crack!

–West 4th at Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Cory

Guy to hungover girl: Everyday you look more and more like you do heroin.

–Relish Bar & Grill

Preppy dude: I like doing drugs too much to be a Buddhist.

–Arlene’s Grocery

Mom to ten-year-old son: … But that’s like saying heroin is the only drug to try!

–14th St & 9th Ave

Posted on August 8, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Buddha, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Drugs, Grocery Stores, Guys, Hard Drugs, Heroin, History & Geography, Homeless, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Names, Physical appearance, Preppies, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Weirdness

Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here!

–Grand Central

Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now.

–44th St & Broadway

Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?"

–59th St & Lexington

Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that?

–Brooklyn College

Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: christopher james

Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy.

–F Train

Posted on August 8, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Parents, Passengers, Pee, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Rape, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

Those Monies Have Been Earmarked for the Tardlympics

Guy #1: I hate this next fucking station. It’s covered in black mold.
Guy #2: That shit’s deadly. It smells like burnt chocolate.
Guy #1: Instead of spending 8 billion dollars trying to get the Olympics, why don’t they spend 8 thousand dollars and fix the fucking ceiling at the goddamn 59th Street station?

–N train

Posted on August 8, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Guys, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Talking/Convos, Wishes & desires

Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game

(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?

–47th & Madison

Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?

–Doctor's Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Didn't want the details

Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski

Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team.

–Willets Point, Queens

Overheard by: Random Asian Chick

Posted on August 7, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn, Clerks, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Conductors, Directions, Football, Fordham, Gender issues, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Mets, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, On Cell, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, School and studying, Shea Stadium, Sports, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

The A-Train's Like a Hobo Petting Zoo

Hobo: Anyone got any gum? (silence) Pay me in candy!
Conductor: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street will be our final stop due to a power outage.
Hobo: Don't be sorry, feed us.

–A Train

Posted on August 7, 2015
Conductors, Directions, Food, Hobos, Homeless, On the Subway, Public Transportation

The Audacity Of Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you.

–AMC Movie Theater

Overheard by: Emmy

Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service!

–14D Bus

Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!

–1 Train

Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom!

–University & 12th St

Posted on August 6, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Family Ties, Guys, Hair, Hobos, Kids, Men, Movie Theaters, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, President, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Sex, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You Get Out the Candles to Cleanse Their Chi

Baggage handler #1: The flight from Bombay is delayed.
Baggage handler #2: I'll have the Lysol ready to spray them down.

–JFK International Arrivals Terminal 3

Posted on August 4, 2015
Airports, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Health and Hygiene, JFK Airport, Public Transportation

They Pulled the Buses

Woman #1: Man, why do we get to sit in the back of the bus like slaves did?
Woman #2: Please, slaves walked everywhere!

–B44 Bus

Overheard by: Robin M.

Posted on August 3, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Default, Gripes, History & Geography, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Stupidity, Women

Wednesday Onesie Liners

Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!

–5th Ave

Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!

–Borders, Penn Station

Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace

20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Topical

Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Alie

Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.

–34th & Broadway

Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?

–Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Siobhan

Posted on August 3, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Baby Mama/Daddy, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Penn Station, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Sex, Should've Used a Condom, Smoking, Store, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

Public Transportation