Guy #1: I hate this next fucking station. It’s covered in black mold.
Guy #2: That shit’s deadly. It smells like burnt chocolate.
Guy #1: Instead of spending 8 billion dollars trying to get the Olympics, why don’t they spend 8 thousand dollars and fix the fucking ceiling at the goddamn 59th Street station?
–N train
(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?
–47th & Madison
Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?
–Doctor's Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman
Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Didn't want the details
Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski
Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team.
–Willets Point, Queens
Overheard by: Random Asian Chick
Hobo: Anyone got any gum? (silence) Pay me in candy!
Conductor: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street will be our final stop due to a power outage.
Hobo: Don't be sorry, feed us.
–A Train
Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you.
–AMC Movie Theater
Overheard by: Emmy
Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service!
–14D Bus
Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard.
–Shuttle to Times Square
Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!
–1 Train
Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom!
–University & 12th St
Baggage handler #1: The flight from Bombay is delayed.
Baggage handler #2: I'll have the Lysol ready to spray them down.
–JFK International Arrivals Terminal 3
Woman #1: Man, why do we get to sit in the back of the bus like slaves did?
Woman #2: Please, slaves walked everywhere!
–B44 Bus
Overheard by: Robin M.
Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!
–5th Ave
Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!
–Borders, Penn Station
Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace
20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Topical
Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Alie
Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.
–34th & Broadway
Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?
–Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights
Overheard by: Siobhan
Chick #1: I hate taking subways. They’re so gross!
Chick #2: I know! So many dirty, smelly people. And it’s so expensive.
Chick #1: Yeah, $2 is a lot of money.
Guy: Yeah, well, if you can find someone else to cart your ass around this city for $2, be my guest.
–2 train
Overheard by: Mikey
Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.
–23rd St
Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.
–LIRR
Overheard by: PW rider
NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Katherine
Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?
–F Train
Overheard by: Jasper johnson
Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: brutal commuter
Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”
–Union Square
Overheard by: Gamoid
Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.
–1 train, Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.
–BX 12 bus
Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.
–W. Broadway & Spring
Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?
–4th St & 6th Ave
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?
–Q train, Canal St
Overheard by: mike C.
