Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Posted on November 9, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Dating, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Harassment, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, Robbing the Cradle, School, Store, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Look, Just Don’t Do Anything. With Anyone. Ever.

Sixth grader: Wait, I don’t understand. When you have oral sex you don’t take off your clothes, so how can you get AIDS?
Student teacher: Ummm…

–University Neighborhood Middle School

Overheard by: face

Posted on November 6, 2014
BJs, Elementary & Middle School, Questions, School, STDs, Students, Teachers/Professors, Tweens

Cromulent Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Yeah, they say that now in France they’re banning Muslim women from wearing overalls.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: H. Chan

Black woman on cell: …and then she says to me “I like that song!” and I go, “Yeah, well I like fish and avocado peels.”

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Fernando Taveras

Guy: If you was dead, then you’d know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

–J train

Posted on October 23, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Clothing, Death, Food, Global Geography, Idiots, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, Religion, School

Appropriate for an Analysis Of Poe's Poetry, No?

Student #1, handing over essay: Here, read my paper.
Student #2: Oh my god, is that blood?!
Student #1: No that's… (pause) Oh, no, wait… Yeah, that is blood.

–Friends Seminary

Posted on October 22, 2014
Blood & bleeding, Education, School, Students

I Think I’m for It

Senior girl #1: So, what is that ‘Derfer’ thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer — D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don’t know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways…

–Townsend Harris High

Posted on October 8, 2014
Bimbettes, School, Stupidity, Words

The Snout and Fangs Were Unexpected

Second grade boy #1: When we get to be 10 years old we’re gonna grow hair in our armpits!
Second grade boy #2: Oh, yeah, that’s true — it happened to my brother!

–Elementary school

Overheard by: sit down and eat your lunch

Posted on September 20, 2014
Age/Aging, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Elementary & Middle School, Hair, Kids, School, Students

You Really Need More Straight Friends

Fat girl: Is it here? You know — that bitch.
Friend: No, I don’t see her. You know she says nice things about you, right?
Fat girl: Well, you can tell her to suck my big fat cock.

–Outside Bronx High School of Science

Posted on September 19, 2014
Biotechs, Fat People, Insults, Penis, School

Just Wait ‘Til We Get to the Fungus Unit and I Give You All Lapdances!

HS teacher with PhD, looking in stereo microscope at spores: Oh no, you won’t be able to see the hermaphrodites fully, they’re not sexually mature yet. [Dances around.]Student: Umm… Okay.
HS teacher with PhD, clapping hands: What you’ve got there is some sexually frustrated spores [keeps dancing, moves to next station, fiddles around with knobs] Ooh, ooh, your spores haven’t come yet, but they’ll look like mittens when they do.
[Student bursts into muffled laughing.]HS teacher with PhD: I know, aren’t spores fascinating? Are you laughing at my dancing?… Because biology just gets me so excited!

–Notre Dame Academy H.S., Staten Island

Posted on September 15, 2014
Dancing, Default, Education, Laughter, Questions, School, School and studying, Science, Sex, Staten Island, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

Because Then You’re No Better Than the Students

Professor guy: What is “piecemeal legislation”?
Dude: Um…
Professor guy: Well, define the term “piecemeal”.
Dude: I’m not familiar with that word.
Professor guy: …Why don’t I just commit suicide right now?

–NYU, University & 8th

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Posted on August 27, 2014
Academics, Education, NYU, School, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village

Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

Posted on August 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Guys, India Indians, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Questions, School, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women