Wednesday One-Liners, for Purely Medicinal Purposes

Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month.

–Broadway & 43rd St

Overheard by: Maria

Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt!

–Vandam St & 6th Ave

20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia.

–R Train

Overheard by: Note to self….

Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah… I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'.

–Jamaica, Queens

Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer.

–Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th

Overheard by: Newsbunny

Posted on November 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bartenders, Beauty, Body Parts, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Queens, Rack, Science, Sensory Experiences, Soho, Street, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Grow Hair on Their Palms

Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch…

–Chinatown

Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.

–N Train

Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good… Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.

–Central Park

Overheard by: kate

Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.

–MegaBus, Top Deck

Overheard by: EuropanGal

20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.

–Macdougal & 4th

Overheard by: Billy H.

Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!

–Bryant Park

Posted on November 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Bryant Park, Bus, Cars and Driving, Central Park, Chinatown, Friends, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Marriage, Masturbation, Nostalgia, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Preppies, Questions, Science, Street, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday's More Fun Than a Barrel Of One-Liners

20-something hipster to another, admiring long-legged blonde: How can you say you believe in evolution?! There is no way that that evolved from a monkey!

–1st Ave & 14th

Overheard by: Evolutionary

Little boy to brother: If I were a monkey, I'd take a crap on you.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Man on cell: Then Tim-Jim jerked him off with his feet. Only a monkey can do that!

–Bedford & Metropolitan

Overheard by: theeatenpath

Middle aged man pushing daughter's stroller: I can't believe she got Curious George's autograph!

–16th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maquaid

Posted on November 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beauty, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Brothers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dads, Hand-Jobs, Hipsters, Kids, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Poop, Questions, Science, Street, Stupidity, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Her Imagination Shot Itself

Girl: So, yeah. She's campaigning for the creationists now.
Guy: Noooooooo!

–Columbia Campus

Posted on October 24, 2009
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Guys, Politics, Religion, Science

Well There's Water in It.

Attendant: Water or juice?
20-something woman: H2O, please.
(attendant hands her juice)

–Hampton Jitney

Posted on September 25, 2009
Bus, Clerks, Drinks, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Passengers, Science, Stupidity

Nine Wears a Leather Jacket and Cuts Class

College girl #1: What do you think their core curriculum is like at Julliard?
College girl #2: Dance math!
College girl #3: Yeah, nothing goes above the number 8.

–Corner Cafe, Chelsea

Overheard by: Sromeo

Posted on September 25, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dancing, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Science, Students

Nobody in the Midwest Is a Bit Surprised

Teenage girl #1: I'm taking math, earth science, socialism, and English.
Teenage girl #2: Uh-uh.

–President St & Smith St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: porter

Posted on August 8, 2009
Brooklyn, Education, Girls, Languages, Politics, School and studying, Science, Teens

Submitter Stole Our Damn Headline

Black guy: I prefer to keep my lesbianism in question. Sort of like a wave function.
White girl, cutting him off: Ah! Don't talk about wave functions ever!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: but keep talking about the lesbianism

Posted on August 7, 2009
Black People, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hunter, Science, Sexuality, White People

I Found Your Memoirs, Mom

Hyper small child: I like standing up!
Sitting harried mother: Great.
Small child: Look! I'm twirling!
Harried mother: That's wonderful.
Small child: I know all about the world!
Harried mother: You are very smart.
Small child: I know all about science! I know all about geishas!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on August 1, 2009
Kids, Moms, Parents, Prostitution, Science, Times Square

Like When My Girlfriend Said She's Slept with 3 Dozen People

Professor, holding up student's essay: This person made over three dozen grammatical errors on their essay.
Student, to another next to him: Oh my god…that means twelve!

–John Jay College

Overheard by: Erica

Posted on June 25, 2009
College, Education, School and studying, Science, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors

Science