Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still

Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends — you don’t need another boyfriend!

–92nd & 2nd

Hipster guy: Well, it’s not like I’m into men, but there aren’t really any girls around right now… It’s convenient! At least I’m getting laid!

–In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rowan

Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes.

–115th & Lenox

Wannabe lesbo: … And I was like, ‘What, just ’cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!’ And she was like, ‘Uh, yeah.’

–Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn

Overheard by: equally gay

Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: j

Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi!

–Parsons the New School for Design

Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn’t?

–1 train

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fag Hags, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, School, Sex, Sexuality, Street, The Village, Thugs, Tourism, Upper East Side, Williamsburg

Wednesday Number-Two Liners

Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.

–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.

–Penn Station

Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Bailey

Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!

–2nd Ave, LES

Overheard by: caroline

Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.

–Essex St

NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!

–8th & Mercer

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, College, Default, Gripes, Hipsters, Lower East Side, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, Penn Station, Poop, Strangers, Students, The Village, Time, Violence, Williamsburg

Sometimes Wednesday One-Liners Like to Play by Themselves

Teacher: Well, I guess it’s just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.

–SVA Building, 21st St

Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I’ma kick his ass!

–Christopher & Greenwich St

Overheard by: Justin Tang

Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.

–Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway

Dude to chick: You’ll have to wear a dildo…

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Elegant lady: That’s really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, ‘Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?’ Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, ‘Oh, no, not like that! It’s just that… I’m a Greenwich Village mom, and she’s been using the electric toothbrush!’ They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.

–Park Ave Bistro

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Argopelter

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Rich people, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Threats, Time, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Vomit, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Operate Heavy Farm Equipment

Girl: I’ll drink for charity. I mean, I’m gonna be drinking anyway, so sure.

–Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: Thomas

Chick in Santa suit, on cell: How’s it going? Santa’s sobering up.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo to pigeon walking toward his booze: Get away from that, you alcoholic bitch!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Shanaca

Girl to friend: I’m not drunk, I just like the way it feels on my skin!

–2nd St & Ave B

Chick on cell: … So you were like, ‘I should become an alcoholic.’

–Mulberry & Spring

Grad student, slowly: I followed you down the bedrunkenation path.

–International Affairs building, Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl: My friend wants to get a wheelchair and put a keg on it. He wants to call it ‘handi-tapped.’

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on March 12, 2008
Animals & Nature, Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Holidays, Insults, On Cell, Soho, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

About the Best Secular Humanists Can Do

Young child: Daddy, I don’t want to get run over!
Father, making them jaywalk: Yes, that’s a good philosophy to live by: Don’t get run over.

–12th & Broadway

Posted on March 3, 2008
Advice, Dads, Default, Kids, Philosophy, The Village

Damn, I Knew I Should’ve Pulled Out… Something Else

Hobo: Excuse me, do you have some change so I can buy some dinner?
Girl: Sorry, I don’t carry cash.
Hobo: I bet you’d have some cash if I pulled out my 9mm [makes fake gun with his hand].
Girl, nonplussed: No, I really wouldn’t.

–14th & 3rd

Posted on March 2, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Girls, Hobos, Money & Class, Panhandling, The Village

Perhaps Not for You

Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn’t Coney Island!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: smirkingonlooker

Posted on February 29, 2008
Comebacks, Crazies, Default, Lies, Men, NYC Geography, Old People, Teens, The Village

Americans and Their Incomprehensible English

Tall foreign model #1: … And we nicknamed each other’s, you know, junk…
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it ‘Gina’ — I don’t get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.

–12th & 4th

Posted on February 29, 2008
Default, Foreigners, Language Barrier, Models, The Village, Vagina, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg

Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, ‘What? You want a pizza party?’ and I said, ‘No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.’ And then she goes, ‘Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I’ll drop.

–59th & Lex N/R/W stop

Overheard by: koala

Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it’s always a great party… Hmmm… Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite…

–34th & 3rd

20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year’s Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Late-30s guy: I’m the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.

–House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday… Yeah, the party was that night.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Suzz

Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks — you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.

–2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St

Overheard by: Ben

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Black People, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Default, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Penis, Sex & Relationships, The Village, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry

Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Sarah

Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Aileen

UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.

–The Strand

Overheard by: losaida lois

Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.

–W 35th St

Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Posted on February 27, 2008
Advice, Books & Writing, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Default, Girls, Gripes, Intelligentsia, Lower East Side, Moms, News, Store, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, U.S. Geography, Weirdness, Words

The Village