Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can’t get there. I have no bike right now. No, I’m on the train at the moment.
–34th & Broadway
Man on cell: No, I’m not outside!…I’m in the bank!…I’m in the bank…I’m telling you, I’m in the bank!
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport…Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi.
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: math tinder
Woman on cell: He wants a confetti cannon? A goddamned confetti cannon? No, I’m not…He is not getting a confetti cannon at the pier! I…Well, I like battery-operated dildos, but that doesn’t mean I’m getting one that shoots confetti all over the goddamned pier!
–William & Pine
Girl: So I told her, “I don’t think I’ve ever spooned with my mother before. No funny business.”
–Penn Station
Overheard by: ladolce
Man: Make sure you lick it a lot, then just stick it in. I’m telling you, I know. I’ve had my finger up many straight guys’ asses. Remember? I was in a fraternity.
–Prince Street rooftop
Overheard by: LJ
Chick on cell: I told that bastard I’d burn in hell before I fucked his ugly ass…in a nice way.
–Fluffy’s Cafe, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Tabitha Graves
Girl: The only part I liked is when they were fucking in the back.
–7th Avenue & 13th Street
Girl: …so I Googled the rash to find more information about it. His friend told me he got it from bumping and grinding, but I just wanted to make sure I was safe.
–2nd Avenue & 4th Street
Overheard by: Cathleen Stumps
Guy: What were you doing studying on the first fucking day of school? You didn’t even have your books yet. What the fuck were you studying? Studying nothing.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Dad: Two more pairs? What do you have now, like, 19 pairs?
Daughter: But these are different.
Dad: Fine, but this must be all you need then, right? We won’t have to do anymore shopping for the whole school year, right?
Daughter: Well, I’m not sure about that. I may need some later.
Dad: Why? You only have one butt!
–Marshall’s, Atlantic Avenue Mall
Overheard by: Jake Abraham
Girl on cell, pacing outside of restaurant: What happened to you? It was so good to run into you, but you look like a homeless person!
–St. Mark's Place b/w Ave A & 1st Ave
Guy to young girl: I think the homeless guy on my block has real self-esteem issues.
–Astor Place
Manager to hobo: Jesus Christ, don't let me catch you here again! The Radisson is right around the corner!
–McDonald's
Power walking suit on phone: I know, I've never actually seen a female hobo before.
–Grand Central
Suit on cell: So like, she was homeless, right? But she look gooood!
–6th & 19th
Overheard by: Sanam Skelly
Woman at red table with water jug: Help the homeless! C'mon! They don't like dat shit!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Cracka Jack
Woman on cell: He already started calling me ‘boobie’ so we did it last night.
–33rd St station
Queer: I’m so sick of her and her breasts!
–W 4th St subway
Overheard by: Jessie
Teen boy, walking into woman and child: Oh, sorry, my fault… [To his girlfriend:] See what yo’ titties got me into!
–42nd St & 7th Ave
Drunk bimbette: I’m so glad I have tits. I don’t know what I would do if I were a man. I call it the power of the oyster.
–Croton-Harmon line to Manhattan
Overheard by: Evan
Drunk woman: I got ketchup on my boob and I didn’t even eat anything!
–Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Ryan
Drunk fratboy: Show your boobies if you love the Mets! Nudity for the Mets! Nudity for the Mets!
–Manhattan bound 7 train
Overheard by: lets go mets
Girl on cell: So I was talking shit and then, of course, we started getting it on, like always.
–Rivington & Attorney
Woman on cell: Ooh…somebody has a hangover…you have that scratchy-come-fuck-me voice…oh, I love it!
–W. 21st between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Charlie Samuels
Bike messenger screaming to another: That’s why I love you. Because you support my drug habit!
–3rd Ave & 10th St
Five-year-old with mother: I’m gonna get get get you hiiiigghh!
–10th & Broadway
Overheard by: evanescent
Mom to three-year-old daughter: Sit up! Sit up! Are you on crack?
–2 train, the Bronx
Overheard by: MK
Professor: I remember this one acid trip…
–NYU, Silver Center
Overheard by: Limey
Stoner dude: I get high to get high. I don’t expect much, but it passes time and it kills hangovers.
–17th & 8th
Overheard by: Lara
Thugette on pimped-out cell: Honey, I told yo’ ass before, I’ll tell you again: once a nigga puts rims on his Fed-Ex truck, you know he’s a drug dealer
–36th Ave station, Astoria
Overheard by: Akojam Milas
Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??
–Simon Baruch Middle School
Overheard by: the art major
Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.
–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Maianess
20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup
Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.
–Grand Central Station
Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: inching away
Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!
–Wagner College
Overheard by: good to know
16-year-old girl to girlfriend, with contempt: Are you eating a banana? You’re just like my mother!
–AIDS walk, Central Park
Man to female coworker: No, my head really looks more like a grapefruit than a peanut.
–1250 Broadway
From the flight deck before takeoff: I’m only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry — yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn’t keeping you alive.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: B.G.
Teen boy to friend: Did you know that in California it’s illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room?
–34th & 6th
Hipster girl: I have an apple and some Prozac.
–19th & 6th
Hot chick: My boyfriend actually just said to me, ‘I think you should learn how to shoot grapes out of your pussy!’ Then he made space-gun noises.
–Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
Girl: I shaved everything off down there, and I’ve never felt so accessible!
–A train
Blonde on cell: What’s aftershave? Is that the thing you put on after you shave?
–The Body Shop, 8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jack Rittymanee
Woman on cell: Yeah, all you do is wear cheap panties and don’t shave.
–Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Greasy man: Fuck, I have to go shave my balls now!
–23rd & 5th
NYU student to girlfriend: You know, it’s kind of like when you shave your butt.
–F train, between York St & E Broadway
Overheard by: j. asner
Ghetto lady to guy: I never shave my legs unless I’m tryin’ to make a statement or somethin’. I mean, that’s some serious shit.
–Broadway & LaSalle
Overheard by: nekko-chan
Punk rocker with crazy pink hair: And, I mean, she was good-looking and all, but I was like, ‘What the hell do you think I want a bunch of pictures of girls shaving their pussies for?! I don’t want that shit!’
–JMZ train, Myrtle stop
Overheard by: Don’t forward them to me!
