Businesschick: I was standing next to this hot guy on the train this morning and all I could think about was how bad my scallions smelled.
–43rd & Broadway
Dude: Vegetables don’t have calories. That’s why Japanese people are so skinny.
–Autozone, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Norm
Woman: First of all, he was too tall for the carrot costume. And he was all twitchy…and sweaty. And his eyes were popping out.
–F train
Conductor: Last call for trash… Last call for trash… One last, desperate call for trash…
–Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly
Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.
–Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn’t even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?
–Canal St
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains… ‘Cause if you litter, I’ll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.
–R train, Whitehall station
Overheard by: creepy
Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle… Wait, that’s not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?
–33rd St, between 3rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
–Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod… Yeah, it’s awesome! All I need now is a job, and I’m totally set!
–Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod’s gay.
–23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?… iPod! I am thinking, ‘He is going to lose his pants!’ And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, ‘Why he not dead yet?’
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
–Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!
–4 Train
Overheard by: i tried that once
Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.
–Cosi Restaurant
Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?
–Crumbs Bake Shop
Overheard by: Damon
Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Good Analogy
Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!
–Christopher & W 4th St
Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!
–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom
Overheard by: Ilyssa
Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.
–John Jay Hall, Columbia
Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.
–A train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ilyse
Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.
–20th & 5th
Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.
–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn
Overheard by: liza
Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!
–3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!
–60th & 6th
Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?
–Outside Gray's Papaya
Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Canadian Girl
Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!
–E 35th & 6th Ave
Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.
–145th Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Ben B.
Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."
–Central Park
Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!
–Duane Reade, Flushing
Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!
–7th Ave, Park Slope
10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.
–2nd Ave & 9th St
Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!
–6 Train
Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!
–84th St & Amsterdam
Wannabe hipster girl: There’s this band called ‘The Dandy Warhols.’ I, like, always confuse them with Andy Warhol.
–The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: jengray
Tween girl: Duran Duran was not a Duran or a Duran, so just cease and desist.
–Borders near Penn Station
Overheard by: Mobtown Boy
20-ish guy to friend: Man, the way he sang ‘Humpty Dumpty’ was just incredible. When he sings it you have no idea he’s singing about an egg.
–59th & Lex station
Late-20s chick in Blink 182 shirt, on cell: Well, that’s it, then. She obviously doesn’t espouse or believe in the aesthetic of Blink 182, so she’s out. We can’t be friends with her anymore.
–The Mercury Lounge
Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.
–Outside NYU Dorm
Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?
–LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Laura
Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.
–7 Train
Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!
–Runway Strip, JFK
Overheard by: PSUny
Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!
–NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!
–5th Ave
Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.
–F Train
Overheard by: Teabag
Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.
–Broadway
Overheard by: sounds yummy
Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time… I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: vicky
Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.
–42nd St & 10th Ave
