Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Porcupine Quills

Woman on crowded train: They’re gonna make me eat the pole.

–E train

Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to

Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren’t, you better get off of me!

–Crowded Q27 bus

Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!

–C train

Overheard by: Maggie

Bus driver: Move it back, people, it’s crowded. It’s gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say — ‘If it’s tight, it’s alright.’

–10th St & Ave D

Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.

–F train, Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on March 26, 2008
Bus Drivers, Default, Fears, Men, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Questions, Soho, Subway conductors, Union Square and East Village, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Need to Wand You

Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…

–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave

Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Susan

Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!

–NYU SIlver Building

Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!

–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert

Overheard by: j-bones

Posted on March 26, 2008
At the Airport, Balls, Black People, Crime and Punishment, Default, LaGuardia Airport, Men, NYU, Offers and requests, Security Guards, Store, Superheroes, The Village, Theater, Travel, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Words

All We Need Is a Wednesday One-Liner in the White House

Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something… He’s got the charisma.

–Staten Island Ferry snack bar

Overheard by: Stephanie

Hobo spinning in circles: ‘Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There’s a first time for everything!

–117th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?

–Super Bowl Parade

Overheard by: No idea

Scholar: I’m voting for Osama Barack.

–F train

Overheard by: Terrorized

Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.

–1 train, Grand Central

Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Posted on March 26, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Black People, Default, Drunks, Gender issues, Government, Grand Central, Guidos, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Thugs, Train Station, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

It’s a Discontinued Hasbro Toy from the Seventies

Boy #1: And I will milkshake all over your back.
Boy #2: And I will rub my lovely lady lumps all over your face.

–6 train

Overheard by: Alisha J.

Posted on March 22, 2008
Boys, Default, Friends, Kids, Music, On the Subway, Threats, Words

I Hear If You Don’t Have Sex for Two Years, You Become a Virgin Again, Too

Girl #1: Why does she seem so nasty and stressed all the time?
Girl #2: Well, I think it’s because she’s a lesbian by default.
Girl #1: A what?
Girl #2: A lesbian by default. She’s such a bitch that guys don’t want anything to do with her.

–Manhattan Lounge

Overheard by: fpod

Posted on March 22, 2008
Default, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Insults, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sexuality, Upper East Side, Words

She Doesn’t Speak “Asshole”… Oh, No, Wait… Yes She Does

Teen girl #1: I really want some sa’mores. We should totally make sa’mores.
Teen girl #2: Sa’mores? It’s ‘s’mores,’ not ‘sa’mores’! Sa’mores! Sa’mores… Yeah… Sa’moron!

–81st & 3rd

Overheard by: i love smores

Posted on March 21, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Food, Friends, Girls, Insults, Street, Teens, Upper East Side, Violence, Wishes & desires, Words

Now Say You’re Sorry and Order the Raw Poisonous Fish

Asian girl helping blonde with Japanese assignment: Okay, now tell me about something you would eat.
Blonde: Uhhh… Watashiwa inu o tabemasu…
Asian, exasperated: You don’t eat dogs!
Blonde: Well, in Japan you do!

–Outside University Restaurant, University Place

Posted on March 20, 2008
Animals & Nature, Asians, Compare/Contrast, Default, Ethnic Food, Friends, Girls, Global Geography, Languages, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Students, Stupidity, Washington Square Park, Words

Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners

Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: haha

Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?

–E 10th & Broadway

Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?

–Manhattan-bound N train

Overheard by: paratactical

Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?

–Canal & Broadway

Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?

–Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square

Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you’re not right

Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don’t even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?

–23rd & Lex

Posted on March 19, 2008
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Default, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Grand Central, History & Geography, Idiots, Insults, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word

Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one?

–El Greco Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.

–Elevator, 34th & 1st

Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.

–House party, 113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!

–Orchard, near Rivington

Overheard by: losaida

Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.

–G train

Overheard by: Jordan

TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away!

–1 train

Overheard by: Emily Star

Posted on March 19, 2008
Brooklyn, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Condoms, Default, Education, Elevators, Etiquette, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Internet, Kids, Ladies Who Lunch, Lower East Side, Marriage, Masturbation, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, S&M, Street, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

Posted on March 19, 2008
Animals & Nature, Breaking Up, Catholics, Christianity, Clothing, College, Default, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, God Squad, Guys, Hipsters, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, Questions, Relationships, Rockefeller Center, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Starbucks, Stupidity, Tourist Attractions, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Words

Words