Female African American police officer: Don’t you remember I was the one who kicked you out of Yankee stadium?
Hobo: I don’t recall this. I don’t recall this.
Female African American police officer: Yep. It was me. I kicked your ass, I did.
–Avenue Q
Overheard by: innocent bystander
Hobo with two jars in front of him: Food or drugs! Choose whether you’d like to sponsor my evening shot or dinner!
–Central Park
Homeless man: Hey, bindi-a, lookin’ good today! (Indian girl ignores his comment, begins to walk away). Fine! When you get mugged, I’m not helping you!
–Washington Square Park
Enterprising lady hobo: You could use your credit card to get cash, and give me the cash.
–Outside Dunkin’ Donuts, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Panhandling hobo: Spare some change for a large bottle of water and a nice Chef salad? Spare some change for bottled water and salad?
–Broadway & 10th St
Hobo: Hey lemme borrow those red Converse! I’ve got a hot date with Monica Lewinsky tonight!
–14th & 6th
Hobo to another: "You’re gonna turn me into a waffle?" That’s what she told me, you said! A waffle? Oh no, I don’t think so!
–23rd b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: sara
Crazy hobo: Watch out for traffic and knuckleheads! Beware! (points at random pedestrian) Him! He’s a knucklehead! Don’t trust him!
–5th Ave & 49th St
Hipster chick: It costs like $280 to go blonde, which seems expensive but it’s totally worth it because then you’re blonde.
–Hop Scotch
Overheard by: bildita
Hipster: My brother entitled all of his college essays "Heeeey Essaaaaay!"
–Smith Street & President
Overheard by: Michelle C.
(drunk or ill hipster guy lying on stairs moans pitifully and vomits)
Hipster’s friend, looking away and pretending not to know him: Ha! Fag!
–7th Ave
Young hipster: Let’s face it, at some point I’m gonna be homeless.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Conti
Hipster girl: Pickles are so in right now.
–Renegade Arts Festival, Williamsburg
Fabulous woman: That’s all vodka under the bridge.
–55 Bar
Overheard by: Girl Margaret
Huge man to small child trying to participate in conversation: No, son, we’re not talking about your school–we’re talking about Bam! You trying to get all up in the Kool-Aid, but you don’t even know the flavor.
–C Train
Drunk girl, accidentally taking swig of vodka instead of water: This wetness is spicy!
–Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
Skinny teen: I wish they made diet water.
–Times Square
JAP: I’d like a Pellegrino.
–Hooters
Middle-aged suit yelling into cell: No- I want to see you drink the bong water!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Me Too…
Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"
–E Train, 42nd St
Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.
–Brooklyn DMV
40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!
–Upper West Side
Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.
–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Michael O’Connor
Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!
–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown
(random guy trips over three-year-old girl’s stroller)
Guy: Oops, I’m sorry, honey.
Three-year-old girl in stroller: Don’t call me honey!
–Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Michael
Bald construction guy: Dude, if you fell down while she was going down on you, I probably would have peed all over her. (swinging motion with hand at crotch area) Oooohhhh.
Suit: Oh my god, if you did that I would have started peeing on her too.
–Pizza Wagon, 86th Street
Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy my Lunch over here
Ex-girlfriend about ex-boyfriend: I mean, he’s not exactly the kind of person to say: "I hear there’s a really great documentary about genocide playing at the film forum."
–Café near NYU
Overheard by: robin
Chick with Super-8 to random stranger: Excuse me, would you mind being the pickpocket in our silent film?
–The Montauk Club
Overheard by: torchwood lesbian
Man on phone: I wanna watch it in June so I can watch it stoned… Watching Harold and Kumar not stoned is like eating bread without butter!
–Train to Grand Central
Girl: Indiana Jones is what type of movie? Is it a life movie?
–43rd Street and 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ferris
Girl to friend: Did you get it? There were like a lot of metaphors in that movie, like label versus no label.
–Chelsea Clearview Cinema, after Midnight Showing of the Sex & The City Movie
Girl to boyfriend: If I don’t like movies about belts, am I going to like this movie?
–Smith & Wyckoff, Brooklyn
Amazed thugette: You know you ain’t in the hood, ’cause it says "Wine & Spirits!"
–12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Toto
Box office employee: I bought this really awesome bottle of wine and I was like: "Oh, I’m going to make really amazing pasta with vegetables and bullets in it and glass and blood and it’ll be fantastic." But then I didn’t.
–Pearl Theatre
Overheard by: Mariah
Middle aged white guy: Yeah, you can get cheap wine in Harlem, but who wants to get a massage there?
–Thai Restaurant
Belligerent toddler to mom making purchase: That’s not enough wine, mom! That’s not enough wiiiine!
–International Wine & Spirits, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF
Hipster to his date: It’s like in the old DC Comics. Superman, you know, his weakness was Kryptonite, but there wasn’t just green Kryptonite. In the old DC Comics there was green, red, blue Kryptonite, all colors of the rainbow. Green Kryptonite killed him, but with the others, like, blue Kryptonite transferred his powers to someone else or something like that. Red turned him evil. All these different colors of Kryptonite had different properties. And that’s how wine is with me. Every glass of wine, I don’t know what I’m going to get… That analogy was not so great.
–Hope & Anchor Diner, Red Hook
Overheard by: AeC
Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
(silence)
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
(pause)
Mother: I mean, I’ve read about the holocaust, but I don’t know any specific authors.
–Smith & Sackett, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: David
