Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don’t have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that’s right — what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks… Y’know, my butt.
–7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.
–810 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jatmos
Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!
–Coffee shop
Professor: It’s hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.
–NYU
Overheard by: woods comma elle
Teacher, on oral quizzes: … And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.
–The Dalton School
Overheard by: Marissa
Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There’s a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies’ cunts.
–E 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cassie
45-year-old man: … And since I’m on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that’s nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you’ve got a big butt and you’re tax deductible. That’s how I like them.
–Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· “Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1” – Works For Me
· “Baby Got Back. — Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27” – chris
· “Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar…” – D. Kareem
· “Until She Capital Gains All That Weight” – Vasyl
Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.
–3rd St & Ave B
Overheard by: amanda
British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.
–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us
Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!
–Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: jenmo
Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!
–31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?
–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th
Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!
–Macy’s
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
Man: Dude, your marketing department — they’re like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I’m sick of throwing up in their mouths.
–57th & 5th
Tourist man: Hey, look at this! They’re selling this stuff out on the street!
Tourist lady with thick accent: They have no doors! The rodents will steal all their bread!
Store owner: This is not a bread store, ma’am!
Tourist lady: They will steal your bread! The rodents will steal your bread!
Store owner: We have no bread here!
–Canal St
Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.
–60th & Central Park South
Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?
–Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: tj
Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we’re trying to merge…
–Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Angela
Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to ‘Oye Como Va,’ then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what you get for not having a car.
–L train to Williamsburg
Overheard by: Subway Goer
Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.
–B1 bus
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear
Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.
–53rd & 7th
Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.
–Target, Atlantic Center
Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.
–72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Lili
