Woman #1: She keeps acting all funny now, and I'm up to the point where I'll have to beat her ass.
Woman #2: You crazy.
Woman #1: I'm beating her ass right in church, you watch me!
Woman #2 (laughing): You crazy!
Woman #1: I'll say “Lord, forgive me,” before I beat her ass down right in front of the altar!
–PATH Train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.
–A Bus
Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.
–5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!
–139th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jesse Cromer
Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!
–20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Got Knocked Out
Man on phone: Well, I got a shirt but it wasn't quite what I was looking for, so I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and get some breadsticks.
–Astor Place
Older, bespectacled white male at table with wife: Motherfuckin' tube socks…
–Jazz Standard, 27th & Park
Overheard by: V
6'6" man (earnestly): Honestly, if I were Hillary, I would never wear a pantsuit! You know what I mean?
–Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: Ingwall
Cracker: I hate fighting rastas. Man, I really do. It's those hats…you never know what they're hiding in those fuckin' hats!
–Marcy & Broadway
Man: Do you realize you just offended a man carrying an organic tote bag?
–6 Train
Overheard by: wb
Barfly to bartender: Is that your belt or a wrinkle in the fabric of time?
–Thirsty Scholar, 2nd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Jas
Young suit #1 (holding pack of gum): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: No.
Young suit #1: Dude, do you have a dollar? All I have is four hundreds.
Young suit #2: Sorry, I only have five hundreds.
Young suit #1: Ah, I hate it when that happens.
(the two suits leave)
Suit #3 (walking in): Do you have change for a hundred?
Female cashier: Don't make me kick yo' ass, brotha.
–Deli, General Motors Office Building
Overheard by: don't look at me, I make $10 an hour
Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don’t know that.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Two Fingaz
Dude: You’re starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad’s video.
–Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Latina teenager to friend: I don’t know why we can’t be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let’s have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!
–Rush Hour, L Train
Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I’ve got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
–32nd & 6th
Overheard by: sromeo
Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn’t even call up to find out if I was dead."
–126th & Lenox
Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.
–34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Rent Controlled
Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don’t understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.
–6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope
10-year-old little brother: And then there was this huge fight on an armored train.
20-something big brother: Wait, are you sure it was a train?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah, it was an armored train that had guns, and bombs, and fireworks.
20-something big brother: Are you sure it wasn’t a truck? I saw that movie and it was a truck.
10-year-old little brother: Nope, it was a train.
20-something big brother: You didn’t see the movie, did you? You just had someone tell you about it, right?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah…
–1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
Girl #1: You’re a doctor?
Girl #2: Yeah–you didn’t know that?
Girl #1: Well, I only know you on a wrestling level.
Girl #3: Wow, that is *so* New York.
–Rooftop party, Bedford St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I’ve been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: “You better be getting out of my face!” and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.
–A Train
Hipster guy: Yo! My girlfriend gave me a hickey, and now there’s a rumor that I got into a fight with a black kid.
Friend: Dude!
–Edward Murrow High School
Headline by: Justin
Runners-Up:
· “Oh Please! If That Were True You’d Have a Stab-wound, Not a Hickey.” – nosey nafia
· “Shouldn’t Have Let Her Hickey Your Eye, I Guess.” – Internev
· “That’s Funny, I’d Heard Something About a Vacuum Cleaner” – Marv in DC
· “Well, She Does Look Like Gary Coleman.” – stevevc
Old guy: Hey! You respect your elders! Don’t be disrespectful to your elders!
12-year-old boy: Shut the fuck up! Come here! Come over here! I’ll fuck you up! Fuck you!
Passerby: I’d love to see an old man and a little kid throw down in the middle of Union Square.
–Union Square
