Guy in elevator: God, it’s hot! Must be my underwear…
Chick: Underwear, yeah?
Guy in elevator: Yeah, I got plastic underwear… [Chick is silent.] … For easy cleaning.
–28th & 6th
Guy in elevator: God, it’s hot! Must be my underwear…
Chick: Underwear, yeah?
Guy in elevator: Yeah, I got plastic underwear… [Chick is silent.] … For easy cleaning.
–28th & 6th
Intern #1: This job blows.
Intern #2: Yeah, today I felt like an Enron employee… I shredded documents for like three hours.
–Broad & Stone, Financial District
Girl: You’re doin’ the same stuff again.
Agitated dude: No, I’m not! No, I’m not! I never hit you!
–33rd, between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: AWAG
Guy #1: Dude… [Whispers to friend.]Guy #2, loudly: What?! Doesn’t do blowjobs? How does she have a normal social life?!
–Doc Watson’s, UES
Overheard by: acton
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.
–Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
–2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.
–Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
–8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend!
–60th & 5th
Overheard by: Rich
Hobo singing to self: Pussy’s like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound… I once was blind aaand I still am…
–F train
Overheard by: Sara
Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu…
–Milano Market, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you… All my loving, darling, I’ll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There’s something wrong with my lip!
–63rd & Lex Ave station
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.
–6 train, 28th St
Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.
–City Bakery, W 18th St
Overheard by: katherine
Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!
–Upper West Side
Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Ryan
Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.
–Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Colleen
Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
–Central Park
Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.
–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St
Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.
–Outside Coney Island Freak Show
Overheard by: Miss Carrie
Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!
–PATH train
Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.
–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th
Overheard by: Heather
Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.
–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Teacher: Well, I guess it’s just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.
–SVA Building, 21st St
Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I’ma kick his ass!
–Christopher & Greenwich St
Overheard by: Justin Tang
Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.
–Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway
Dude to chick: You’ll have to wear a dildo…
–34th & 8th
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Elegant lady: That’s really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, ‘Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?’ Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, ‘Oh, no, not like that! It’s just that… I’m a Greenwich Village mom, and she’s been using the electric toothbrush!’ They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.
–Park Ave Bistro
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Argopelter
Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!
–Ave M, Q train stop
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!
–Southern Blvd, Bronx
Overheard by: E.J.
Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!
–Washington Square West
Overheard by: SELENA
Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.
–13th & 6th
Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.
–R train
Overheard by: Marisa
