Doctor, It Hurts When I Wednesday My One-Liners!

White college girl: I would definitely want to be a doctor, if I didn't have to go to medical school.

–Fordham University

Nurse to another: Well, it seems that the themes of the day were UTIs and pregnancies.

–NYU Student Health Center

Overheard by: had neither

Black male pre-teen to mother: I know all about doctors, 'cause I watch shows about that. (pause) Actually, I watch Dr Phil.

–1 Train

Guy to two girls: I had to fire my doctor, I didn't like what he told me.

–39th & Lexington

Doctor, drawing on napkin and displaying results to student: This is you…in 40 years, in a fugue state. In Turkey. Dissociative fugue–learn neurology!

–168th & Fort Washington

Posted on July 4, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Doctors, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hospitals, Illness, Jobs & Careers, Medicine, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Nurses, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Psychology, Students, Stupidity, TV, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires

I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!

Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.

–St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.

–7 train

Overheard by: bronwyn

Out-of-place guido: I ain’t wearing nothin’ that touches my balls to my asshole!

–8th Ave

Overheard by: finds it comforting

Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it’s like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy’s chick flick!!!"

–E 85th St & 3rd Ave

Guy: I use Burt’s bees for my balls.

–Broadway & W 4th

Overheard by: Jake R

Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you’d feel a lot better if you felt my balls.

–6th Ave & Bleecker

Posted on July 4, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Balls, Boys, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Gender issues, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Hospitals, Insects, On the Subway, Stoners, Street, Teens, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side

I Can't Even Rent You

Haggard 40-something guy to girl passing by: Mmm-hmmm! That's the way I like 'em. Tiny and nice and tight. Look at that body, damn. Mmm-hmm. Hey, girl! Hey, gorgeous, how old are you?
Annoyed girl: I'm 14.
Haggard #40-something guy: Damn! That'll get me 25 years… Damn!

–3rd St, Havemeyer

Overheard by: One of 8 who witnessed this

Posted on July 3, 2015
Age/Aging, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Girls, Guys, Pick-up Lines, Robbing the Cradle, Strangers

It’s a White Thing; You Wouldn’t Understand

Girl #1: I bought him white eyelashes and white lipstick but I don’t know how much he’s willing to let me put on him.
Girl #2: Does he do drag?
Girl #1: Well, he used to; when he lived in San Francisco, back when he danced. But he did it more for the kink than anything else.

–Rockefeller Center

Posted on July 3, 2015
Girls, Guys, Kink, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Street

What They Really Say Is “Rhubarb, Rhubrarb, Mrs. Benson”

Guy at bar doing crossword: “The sound of a crowd.” Three letters, ending with “n.”
Hot bartender: Ummmmm.
Guy: “Din”? Is it “din”?
Hot bartender: What? Like people get together and just start saying “din din din”? I don't think so!

–The Continental

Overheard by: choking on scotch

Posted on July 2, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Guys, Questions, Stupidity, Words

When They Heard What Idiots We Were, They Quit in Disgust

Guy: Yeah, in the early nineties the American Embassy burned down from an apparent electrical fire, and when they inspected it, they found bugs in every wall and ceiling.
Girl: Ewww… That’s disgusting. I’m never going to Russia.
Guy: No, not actual… Never mind.

–53rd St

Posted on July 1, 2015
Accidents, Default, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Politics, Stupidity, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Sit Shiva

50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.

–PATH

Overheard by: Joe H.

Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don't know, somewhere in the Bronx. He was strangled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that's why I forgot to send you the invitation for the whatchacallit, the funeral.

–Rivington & Attorney

Overheard by: I wasn't invited either

Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his funeral just to spit in his face!

–West Bank Cafe

60-something woman to another: So I'm glad I didn't go to his fucking bitch sister's funeral. But now he's mad.

–Central Park

20-something guy on cell: Just 'cause I did meth with his daughter doesn't mean I'm going to go to his funeral!

–7th Ave Subway Entrance

Posted on June 30, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Celebrations/Parties, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Death, Drugs, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

It Depends on Where You Smoke Them

Guy: I need to shit.
Girl: You know, smoking will make you have to shit even more.
Guy: Yeah, I know, they’re laxatives.
Girl: They are?

–80th & 1st

Posted on June 30, 2015
Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Idiots, Poop, Upper East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Just Need to Walk It Off

Large bald man on Bluetooth: He got a fuckin' boo boo, that's all!

–Gramercy

Suit on cell: So, I haven't been electrocuted…yet.

–L Train

Elderly woman: I regret that she broke her arm. I do not regret pushing her down the stairs.

–E Train

Overheard by: Pat

Little boy: I hope the boo-boo goes away soon! My staple won't hold that long!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Say what?

Guy on train to friend: Hey, would you still date a girl if she was in an industrial accident and had to wear a Darth Vader suit forever?

–6 Train

Posted on June 29, 2015
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Fat People, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Kids, Men, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Suits, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesdanimal One-Liners

Man to friend: I don't know what made him think he could outrun an alligator!

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: Lory

Father to young son: Holy shit, Joey, look at the turtles! They're stackin' and rackin' 'em!

–Central Park Zoo

Mom to kid, pointing to seal exhibit: Look! Otters!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Rebecca

Young man, joyfully throwing his arms in the air: Then all of the lemmings go off of the cliff!

–The Village

Overheard by: Aaron

Posted on June 29, 2015
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Dads, Friends, Guys, Moms, Sports, Suicide, Weirdness, West Village

Guys