Wednesday One-Liners Aspire to Be Betty White

Old dog lady, smoking: Me, I've already been spayed.

–Dog Adoption Booth, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Old woman to another: Darling, I didn't know your husband was still alive!

–Restaurant, Upper East Side

Elderly black woman, yelling to line of cars honking their horns for Puerto Rican Day parade: Get yo punk asses back to 5th Ave!

–Grand & Graham

Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk.

–12th & University

Overheard by: tbs

Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what… Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: letthesunshine

Posted on July 29, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Doctors, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Insults, Laughter, Lower East Side, Man's Best Friend, Men, Old People, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Private Parts, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, The Village, Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I Guess I Just Wasn't Feeling Saucy!

Preppy fake blonde #1, coming out of gift shop: Well, you should have gotten the spaghetti!
Preppy fake blonde #2, coming out of gift shop: I didn't want the fucking spaghetti! And besides, my dad told me not to get the fucking spaghetti.
Preppy blonde #1: Wait a minute! Your dad said the f-word?
Preppy blonde #2: No! I just put that on for emphasis!
Preppy blonde #1: Well, that's false quoting!
(long pause)
Preppy blonde #2: That still doesn't explain why you didn't get the spaghetti.

–The Met

Overheard by: Kat

Posted on July 28, 2009
Advice, Food, Insults, Parents, Preppies, The Met, Wishes & desires

Ever Imagine a World in Which the Subway Does Not Exist?

Drunk girl: Are you too drunk to drive?
Drunker girl: Fuck you. Indeed I am.
(she drives off)

–Matsumoto Inc.

Posted on July 24, 2009
Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Insults, Office

Just Like I Sensed When You Turned That “Douchebag” Corner

NYU college grad #1: Yeah, makes you think about the future.
NYU college grad #2: Don't worry. We know each other pretty well so I'll sense if you're turning into a prick.

–Bobst Library, NYU

Posted on July 23, 2009
Comebacks, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Library, NYU, Students

…So I Yelled, “Shut the Fuck Up, Bitch!”

Teen girl to friend: So, she's banging on my door; banging and screaming and yelling…
Teen friend: Fo' real?
Teen girl: Yeah! So she's banging and screaming at me… I wanted to yell at her “Shut the fuck up!” but then I remembered that she was my mom.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Somsharp1

Posted on July 21, 2009
Family Ties, Friends, Insults, On the Subway, Parents, Teens, Wishes & desires

…Though He May Be the One I Just Blew in the Bathroom.

Gay man, getting off plane, to gay flight attendant: Hey, it's great to see you again!
Female flight attendant: Have you been here recently?
Gay flight attendant: Hell no, girl. I haven't been here in forever. I don't know who the fuck that man is.

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on July 20, 2009
Airports, Flight Attendants, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, LaGuardia Airport, Passengers, Queer guys, Questions, Weirdness

What? Asshole?

Suit on cell, holding a bouquet of yellow roses: Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend some flowers because I fucked her sister.
Student, walking by: Nice job, asshole.
Suit, turning around with a smile: I know! You should try it some time!

–John St

Posted on July 19, 2009
Gifts, Infidelity, Insults, On Cell, Promiscuity, Students, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

No More Late-Night Cinemax for You, Young Man.

Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says “Your boss called and said that you were fired.” The man answers “Fuck him!”, and the woman says “I did, and now you have your job back.”
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!

–F Train

Posted on July 19, 2009
Couples, Dads, Families, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Sex

…Is That Why You Make Me Wear Dresses?

Woman, clearly winding up a long rant: …and that's why I don't need no fuckin' man in my life!
Toddler son: Mmmmmhmm, mommy.

–Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katie Naum

Posted on July 17, 2009
Babies, Insults, Kids, Moms, Parents, Relationships

…Now That You've Warmed It for Me.

Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.

–Madison Sqaure Park

Overheard by: Anniemal

Posted on July 16, 2009
Anger Management, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Men, Offers and requests, Parks, Questions, Women

Insults