Dude: Also, it was kind of fun to walk down the street hitting myself in the neck with a hammer.
Chick: I think that was around the same time as the plastic cube.
Dude: No, I wasn’t wearing the plastic box on my head at that point. It would have interfered with the neck hammering.
–Lenny’s Bagels, 23rd St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl #1: I just feel bad because he’s going to think I’m a total bitch because I kicked his friend at his birthday party!
Girl #2: Whatever! You can’t worry about what other people think of you.
–C Line
Big guy on phone: … All I’m sayin’ is that’s wrong, man — you hit an ol’ woman, and you’re a boxer!
–151st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Thin walls
Guy on cell: So, wait — you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow… Yeah, that’s still not appropriate.
–N 6th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: j
Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!
–168th & Fort Washington Ave
Overheard by: RR
Five‐year‐old girl to seven‐year‐old brother: I’ll punch your Adam’s apple straight down your throat!
–Graham Ave bus station
Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I’m gonna kick him in the ding‐ding and then run!
–Broadway East station
Overheard by: Subwaysurfer
Eight‐year‐old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s‑h‐i‑t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]Eight-year-old girl: I’m gonna kill myself!
–Mexican Restaurant near Union Square
Punk guy: My Slayer button fell off my jacket when I was kicking that dude in the face, so I stopped and picked it up. Then I finished kicking.
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Rex Danger
Girl to another: And she went to get into her car. I was like “you’d better get out of here or I’m gonna fuck you up.” And she was all slamming the door and stopping over to me. And I was all in her face and bitch‐slapped her. Well, that last part might have been a dream. But then she got into her car and left.
–NY Central Library
Overheard by: amused
Woman on cell: Hi, Annie! How are you? (pause) I’m going to get my ass kicked by a very big black man.
–Park Slope
Suit on cell: If you don’t stop hanging up on me, I will kick you in the throat.
–Times Square
Guy on cell, very loudly: Yeah, but, so nobody knows about it except me and the other guys in the fight club.
–21st St & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
20‐something girl: And then she chloroformed me. (pause) I said that too loud.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Russ
Teen with Bright Future: What’s that? Now that I’ve become pregnant people think that I don’t fight. Come here. I’ll kick your fucking ass, bitch.
–14th Street
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there’s a bitch‐ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.
–4 Express Train
Overheard by: Lexington
Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don’t get off the train, coz it’s not gonna be there.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Donz
Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!
–7 Train
Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?
Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.
–Fordham Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: The next train isn’t for an hour and I’m already late.
Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City’s many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: “What’s it going to be, buddy?” Monk: “Make me one with everything”! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!
–F Train
Girl on iPhone: It’s not like he’s gone and, y’know, rescuing cheetahs…
–Astoria
Lone hobo: Thanks, god… for goats, people and buses.
–Manhattan Bridge
Woman on phone: Hi, honey. Did you find the frogs with the red eyes? (pause) Oh, do you think your mom will like the quail? (pause) It’s 30% off, right?
–Lincoln Center
Subway drummer: This next one is called “moose call.” it goes, “yo, moose!” (pause) Hey, I didn’t write it, I just made it popular.
–Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Media addict
French man: It’s like doing a horse. Kick him in the ass and he will kick you right back.
–Long Island City
Overheard by: Sunny
Man in car at stoplight on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a towel for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I covered my nuts. So I run down the stairs covering my nuts with a towel because I knew where the smoke was coming from!
–127th & Lenox
Street tough to guy in wheelchair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.
–E 2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: Ben Couch
Crazy man: Where’s Howie? Where’s my favorite nut‐nut?
–Hanson Place
Overheard by: JBeck
Dude on cell while riding bicycle: It’s hanging off your nuts?
–Williamsburg
Mom 20‐something daughter heading to Penn Station: Should we grab our nuts, at least?
–7th Ave & 34th St
Overheard by: Just don’t grab my nuts
