Kids

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

–77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Joseph

Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.

–Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St

Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!

–Times Square

Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

–F train

Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.

–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron

Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?

–Circle Line

Overheard by: emily

Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.

–Central Park

In Some Cultures, the Mother Rewards the Son on a Load-by-Load Basis

Little Asian boy: Guess what? I did it twice already this morning.
Mom: Did what?
Little Asian boy: Touch myself!

–Uptown M104 bus

Overheard by: Barry P.

They Allow Me to Forget My Children

Hobo: Please, anything. Anything will help. I need to feed my children.
Male passenger: I got some cookies.
Hobo: Yum! I love cookies.

–6 train, 23rd & Lex

Dad Tries the Post-Modern/Eisenhower-Era Parenting Combo Attack

Dad, to little boy holding on to chain-link fence: Get off of that! You can’t climb on that!
Son: But why?
Dad: Because it’s art! And I said so.

–Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, DUMBO

Overheard by: Lady

Meaning She Already Has the Perfect Place to Conceive, Deliver, and Eventually Raise It

Woman #1: Why don’t you get a child of your own?
Woman #2: Girl, I already gots a car.

–Century 21, Cortlandt St

When the Nose Job’s a Little Too Good, You Play Down the Israel Line Just in Case

Kid: Would you like to buy some lemonade or iced tea?
Lady: Sure, what are you planning to use the money for?
Kid: Last week we were collecting money for Israeli soldiers. This week we’re saving for a nice vacation.

–Apartment building entrance, Upper West Side

Overheard by: Julie

As Long as She Pronounces That Second ‘R,’ Everything Should Be Fine

Mother to two children: Okay, time to leave.
Little girl, trying to push her way through as her brother holds the door closed: Daaaaviiiiid!
Mother to black security guard: I guess that’s just a brother for you.

Security guard looks uncomfortable.

Mother, quickly: I mean, that’s just a brother’s job, right?

–Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave

Overheard by: vivienne

Statutory Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist: I want to have sex. I’m old enough!

–Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St

20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn’t even been born yet…

–6 train, Astor Place

Overheard by: Al

Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!

–6 train

Overheard by: Innocent bystander

Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.

–9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.

–Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac

Overheard by: Judy

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where’s Susan Smith when you need her?

–Hudson & Jane

Overheard by: jose clunie

College girl: Mom, I can’t babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I’m sorry, I don’t like babies. I find we have very little in common.

–34th & Broadway

Lady: I don’t know if that woman ever found her baby’s head!

–King’s County civil court, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kate s

Mother to infant: I’m so glad you’re getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love you! You’re not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

–Water St & Hanover Sq

Overheard by: zack

Guy surrounded by kids: You’re all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that’s what you are!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Pants

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don’t care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

–J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don’t like anyone. She mean as shit…Nah…Nah…She don’t even like her own children.

–Port Authority

Probably a Sufficient Interim Explanation

Man to wife: …and I said, “What are you: a crackhead?!”
Young daughter: What’s a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It’s someone that slipped and cracked their head.

Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.

Man: See, honey. He’s a crackhead.

–E Fordham Rd & Lorillard Pl, the Bronx

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