Kids

Unlike the Arrogant Production Crews Who Ruin Our Morning Commutes?

Film crew: Hey little girl, can you hold on a second? We're shooting a movie.
Little girl: For real? Can I be in it?
Film crew: No, you're not in costume. You'd have to be a gangster from the '20s.
Little girl: I'm gangsta! Look! (shoots him with fake gun)
Film crew: See those actors? They're in the right costume.
Little girl: They look like poor people. Can I say hi to the poor people?
Film crew: Not right now, we're in the middle of shooting, so we have to be quiet.
Little girl, screaming at top of her lungs: You are sick! You're not gonna let a little girl say hi to poor people?
Film crew, under his breath: This kid's going to ruin my life.

–Film Set, 160th St & St Nicholas

Overheard by: Natalie

I See Your Chick-Fil-A and Raise You a Taco Bell

Toddler: Mommy, this bathroom is dirtyyy! Mommy? What’s the cleanest place in the world?
Mother: I don’t know, that’s a good question.
Toddler: Well, I know that the dirtiest place ever, ever, ever, ever, ever is Chick-Fil-A.

–Restroom, Lunt-Fontanne Theatre

Overheard by: Not eating at Chick-Fil-A anymore

Highlights for Wednesday One-Liners

Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box… Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!

–Dressing room, Bloomingdale’s

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It’s not that I don’t understand your vision, I just don’t agree with it.

–Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: Melly Mel

Eight-year-old boy whining: Dad, I’m thirsty! I wanna go to the liquor store!

–Central Park

Overheard by: admiring their childrearing practices

Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!

–60th & Lex

Little boy, after bumping into a girl: Sorry, my ass is broken.

–City Hall Subway Station

Overheard by: Miss Adventure

Three-year-old girl waiting in check-out line: Mommy, I hate this store! Are we in the suburbs?

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Little British girl: Mummy, when I die can I be here?

–Evolution, Spring St

Overheard by: stephanie

Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?

Hispanic toddler, whining: Daddy, I want a corn dog!
Hispanic dad, completely serious: I'm going to punch you in the face.
Hispanic mother: Coño!

–6th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jesse H.

Actually, That’s Pretty Much the Idea

Man: Do you need some help with that stroller, Miss?
Mom to kid in stroller: This ain’t no Bum-a-Ride — get up, fool.

–A train, Rockaway Blvd

She Started Out As Monet’s “Woman with Parasol”

Little boy staring at photo of upside-down, topless stripper: Daddy, what is she doing?
Visibly uncomfortable father: Uh… she’s exercising.
Little boy: But why is she naked? Is it because she got hot?
Father: Uh… yes. Let’s go find those Monets.

–MoMA

Overheard by: Alejandra

Victoria's Most Well-Kept Secret

Son to father: Daddy, do they sell Spiderman clothes in here?
Father: No, I am pretty sure they don't sell Spiderman stuff in here.
Son: Yes they do!

–Victoria's Secret

Wednesday One-Liners Add a Little Something Extra

Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we’re on a very tight budget — you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: bill R

Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: and didn’t notice?

Hot guy on cell: That’s fine, but I just don’t want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time…

–96th & CPW

White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!

–113th St

Overheard by: Meister E.

Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don’t because I used it already.

–Howard St

Overheard by: havarthe

Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it… Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?

–Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Justin Casement

What Does the Big Board Say, Johnny?

Extremely obese Tourette’s woman: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin’ fuck!
Little girl: Why is that lady shouting?
Mother: She’s probably upset about something.
Little girl: Maybe she ran out of pineapple and forgot to get more at the store. Or maybe her undershirt itches. Or maybe her gerbil is sick.

–A Train

Could You Just Stop Duelling with Them?

Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.

–Bleecker & Mercer

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