Highlights for Wednesday One-Liners

Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box… Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!

–Dressing room, Bloomingdale’s

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It’s not that I don’t understand your vision, I just don’t agree with it.

–Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: Melly Mel

Eight-year-old boy whining: Dad, I’m thirsty! I wanna go to the liquor store!

–Central Park

Overheard by: admiring their childrearing practices

Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!

–60th & Lex

Little boy, after bumping into a girl: Sorry, my ass is broken.

–City Hall Subway Station

Overheard by: Miss Adventure

Three-year-old girl waiting in check-out line: Mommy, I hate this store! Are we in the suburbs?

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Little British girl: Mummy, when I die can I be here?

–Evolution, Spring St

Overheard by: stephanie

Posted on May 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?

Hispanic toddler, whining: Daddy, I want a corn dog!
Hispanic dad, completely serious: I'm going to punch you in the face.
Hispanic mother: Coño!

–6th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jesse H.

Posted on May 17, 2015
Dads, Families, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Latinos, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Punch, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Actually, That’s Pretty Much the Idea

Man: Do you need some help with that stroller, Miss?
Mom to kid in stroller: This ain’t no Bum-a-Ride — get up, fool.

–A train, Rockaway Blvd

Posted on May 17, 2015
Kids, Moms, Nice People, On the Subway

She Started Out As Monet’s “Woman with Parasol”

Little boy staring at photo of upside-down, topless stripper: Daddy, what is she doing?
Visibly uncomfortable father: Uh… she’s exercising.
Little boy: But why is she naked? Is it because she got hot?
Father: Uh… yes. Let’s go find those Monets.

–MoMA

Overheard by: Alejandra

Posted on May 17, 2015
Dads, Kids, MoMA, Parents

Victoria's Most Well-Kept Secret

Son to father: Daddy, do they sell Spiderman clothes in here?
Father: No, I am pretty sure they don't sell Spiderman stuff in here.
Son: Yes they do!

–Victoria's Secret

Posted on May 16, 2015
Clothing, Dads, Kids, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Store, Superheroes, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Add a Little Something Extra

Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we’re on a very tight budget — you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: bill R

Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: and didn’t notice?

Hot guy on cell: That’s fine, but I just don’t want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time…

–96th & CPW

White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!

–113th St

Overheard by: Meister E.

Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don’t because I used it already.

–Howard St

Overheard by: havarthe

Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it… Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?

–Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Justin Casement

Posted on May 15, 2015
College, Dads, Default, Food, Girls, Gripes, Kids, Men, Money & Class, On Cell, Shea Stadium, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, White People, Williamsburg, Women

What Does the Big Board Say, Johnny?

Extremely obese Tourette’s woman: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin’ fuck!
Little girl: Why is that lady shouting?
Mother: She’s probably upset about something.
Little girl: Maybe she ran out of pineapple and forgot to get more at the store. Or maybe her undershirt itches. Or maybe her gerbil is sick.

–A Train

Posted on May 14, 2015
Kids, Moms, Retards & Handicaps

Could You Just Stop Duelling with Them?

Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Posted on May 14, 2015
Default, Kids, Penis, The Village, Women, Words

How Ron Jeremy Learned to Auto-Fellate

Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry.
Dad: (ignores him)
Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry!
Dad: Well, then eat your head!

–87th & 1st

Posted on May 13, 2015
Body Parts, Comebacks, Dads, Food, Kids, Parents, Upper East Side

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!

–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk

Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher

Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"

–Penn Station

Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: T. Ryan

Posted on May 12, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Dads, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Friends, Fruit, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Insults, Kids, Lower East Side, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Penn Station, Questions, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Kids

Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?