Men

Effing Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.

–110th & Broadway

Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: NYU girl

Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Helene and Alice

Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)

–M4 Bus

I Found a Roach in a Baguette There One Time. True Story.

Man: Jesus, I need glasses.
Woman: How come?
Man: That sign, ‘Hot and Crusty.’ A couple of blocks ago it looked like ‘Hat and Cruelty.’ I know this is New York, but that just had to be wrong.

–89th & Broadway

Certifiable Mail Guarantees Insanity for $1 More

Mailman: I’m sorry sir, but I don’t know where this package is. It was undeliverable. It is not here.
Human man: I know. This is the third time I’ve been down here. So what do you want me to do?
Mailman: Sir?
Human man: What do you want me to do? Give up, keep coming back?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: What? Give up?
Mailman: Yes.
Human man: You’re serious?
Mailman: Yes.

–Post office, 34th & Lexington

Overheard by: Fish

Curtis, Do You Think We’re… Gay?

Man #1: That’s the second Korean movie that has ever made me cry.
Man #2: Oh, yeah. Lots of ’em do. I mean, if you see enough of them, a lot of them do.

–12th & University

Overheard by: James

Dog: “Next Time I'll Just Get Him Drunk First.”

Man holding dog in elevator: I said no kisses.
(dog goes to lick owner's face again)
Man holding dog: I said no!
(pause, then kisses dog)
Man holding dog: Okay, I kiss you.

–East Harlem

Don’t Worry–You Can’t Smell It from There

Woman: Have you ever been to Chelsea piers?
Man: No, I can’t say I have.
Woman: Oh. It’s wonderful. It has a great view of New Jersey.
Man: (sounding disgusted) Oh. (feigning interest) New Jersey, huh?

–Elevator, 25th & 8th

I Was Just Trying to Pee in It

Woman: But you farted in the hole!
Man: My bad, my bad, my bad!

–Union Square

PETA-Approved Wednesday One-Liners

HS boy to two friends: Dude, you’d be surprised how many vegetarians are into meaty chicks.

–E train

Man eating salad: Vegetarians should be evolutionarily punished.

–Small diner, Chinatown

Girl to friend: Hey, do you think that the reason he doesn’t like oral sex is because he’s vegan? [Friend is silent.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it.

–112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Gigi

Cougar dining with pals: I’m an animal-lover, so I’m going to get the fish.

–Rue 57, 57th & 6th

Crazy woman: Vegetarians have better sex!

–F/V train stop, Houston & 1st Ave

Overheard by: So, no hot beef injection?

Woman handing out leaflets for veganism: Come on, come on! Vegans have better sex! No, really — try me!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: What is she trying to sell here?

Listen, Laurel, I Take Enough Shit from You as It Is

Small man: Looks like you got a full lunch there.
Large man: Nah, just a donut, coffee, and a sandwich.
Small man: Oh, maybe just half a lunch then. [Pause] You should eat better.
Large man: Oh, I should, huh?

–Broad St, Financial District

Just for That, No Hamdogs for You

Yankee fan #1: What do you like better — hot dogs or hamburgers?
Yankee fan #2: I like ’em both, man.
Yankee fan #1: You can’t like ’em both! Hot dogs and hamburgers are mortal enemies, asshole. Everyone knows that!

–Yankee Stadium

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