Murder

Professor: Old people will sign anything.

–Brooklyn College

Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.

–Pratt Institute

Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that… Bostonites… Bostoners… Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world… Here are some birds… And people. Here’s someone… Here’s someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings… Some people don’t.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: no axings!

Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.

–NYU Cantor Film Center

Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students’ awkward snickers

Sociology professor: I’ll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad… Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

Dude on cell: The thing is… Is… She was inseminated… By a dead man.

–Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Overheard by: Red Stapler

Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?

–MoMA

Man on cell: Well, it’s a shame he’s still alive.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: mma

Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It’s kind of good he killed her.

–L train

Overheard by: keeeem

Woman: He was dead! It was great!

–Penn Station

Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don’t add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody’s face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them… I can’t believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!

–V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: sean savage

Angry man on cell: I’ve given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?

–15th & 6th

Guido: You know what it would mean if I drove a Saab? It would mean I have a big dick.

–Sheepshead Bay theater

Overheard by: sprinkles

JAP on cell: Well, if you guys need a ride I need to call Daddy and tell him to bring the Infinity, not the BMW… Wow, that sounded really JAP-y.

–49th, between 8th & 9th

Restaurant flyer guy: Why a Lamborghini costs so much we don’t know, but we do have food!

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Drewster

Guy: We either gotta pay the Russian drivers, threaten the Russian drivers, or kill the Russian drivers.

–Financial District

Ghetto lady: That’s the only thing you can do in a van with no air conditioning — sing.

–Maspeth & Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn

Young man: What I’d do is throw a costumed dinner party and have someone killed at the table.
Young girl: Uh-huh.

–Maiden & William St, Financial District

Guy: … And I had a really weird dream last night.
Girl: Oh, yeah? About what?
Guy: Mass murder.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Taking the stairs next time

Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I’d kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I’m never buying my kids books.

–Yankee Stadium

Old lady: … And he was so fed up with this other guy that he killed him.
Old man: Oh.
Passerby, shocked: You’re talking about a movie, right?
Old lady, confused: No.

–83rd & 1st

Overheard by: Wants the book rights first

Dude #1: If I had money I’d eat there everyday.
Dude #2: If you had money I’d kill you and wear you like a pelt.

–Outside Walter Kerr Theater

Chick #1: I should go to sleep earlier. I want to, but for some reason I just can’t.
Chick #2, reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: I should also kill my roommate. I desperately want to, but I don’t think prison would agree with me. I don’t want to be someone’s bitch.
Chick #2, still reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: Are you even listening to me?
Chick #2, exasperated: What the hell do you want?!

–NYU