Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net

Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"

–Outside W 4th St Train Station

Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum… It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Matt

Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!

–42nd St AMC Theaters

Overheard by: Angel

Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.

–Broadway, Astoria

Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: nycpuhlease

20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.

–M2 Bus

Posted on November 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Lower Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Stupidity, Teens, Theater, Thugs, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

…Can I Have a Pretzel?

Old man: Do you want a pretzel?
Old woman: No, I don't want a pretzel! If I wanted a pretzel I'd ask for a pretzel!

–Times Square

Posted on November 21, 2008
Junk Food & Fast Food, Offers and requests, Old People, Times Square, Weirdness

So This Is Kosher?

White guy: Hi, I'd like a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Uh, no, a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Um, no. (points at pork bun) I'd like a pork bun. Pork.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Oh. (pause) Chicken bun?
White guy: Yes. Chicken bun.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Two dollar.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Steve Major

Posted on November 20, 2008
Chinatown, Chinese, Ethnic Food, Guys, Language Barrier, Money & Class, Offers and requests, White People

The Kitten Makes It Look So Fun in That “Hang in There, Baby” Poster

Douchebag #1: Yo, let's see who can hang longer from the bars.
Douchebag #2: Naw.
Douchebag #1: Why not? You scared I'm gonna beat you?
Douchebag #2: Alright, fine, but I wanna wait until some ladies get on.
(train arrives at Union Square and some ladies get on)
Douchebag #1: Alright, let's do this.
(they both attempt to hang from the hand rails and immediately give up and let go)
Douchebag #1: That shit's stupid anyways.

–L Train

Overheard by: Jenni

Posted on November 17, 2008
Assholes, Fears, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Sports, Stupidity

Barbara Walters Is Always Asking the Tough Questions.

Elderly customer: Excuse me, do you have enema bags?
Cashier #1: Enema bags?
Elderly customer: Yes, enema bags.
Cashier #1: Do we have enema bags?
Cashier #2: Animal bags?
Cashier #1: No, enema bags.
Cashier #2: Oh, enema bags?
Cashier #1: Yes. Enema bags.
Elderly customer: I'll check the pharmacy.

–Duane Reade, 19th & 7th

Overheard by: Kate

Headline by: Nick

Runners-Up:
· “And This Is How Fido Got a Clean Colon” – lucas
· “Coincidentally Enough I Am Planning to Use It on an Animal.” – robin
· “Elderly Boy Scouts Are Always Prepared” – Rose
· “Love Thy Enema” – threetimefinalist
· “No, But We Do Know the Muffin Man” – BabakganoosH
· “The Deli Was Probably a Bad Place to Start” – Brian

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on November 13, 2008
Animals & Nature, Cashiers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Customers, Duane Reade, Headline Contest Winners, Health and Hygiene, Offers and requests, Old People, Weirdness

Just Blow Your Nose in an iBook

Teen guy #1: Excuse me, do you have a tissue?
Teen guy #2: Sorry, no.
Teen guy #1: Fuck you.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Posted on November 6, 2008
Insults, Offers and requests, Store, Teens

Wiisday One-Liners

Guy, getting his hair cut: So I spent $150 more than I would have if I got the Wii in the store, 'cause my wife said, "If I don't get Guitar Hero, I will divorce you."

–SoHo

Dork: Don't call it a Gameboy…you're downgrading my PSP.

–The Village

Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?!

–Chinese School

40-year-old guy with ten-year-old kid, to GameStop employee: Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying GTA for my son. Is there a way to turn off the profanity?

–GameStop, Park Ave

Overheard by: Jake C.

Angry guy to girlfriend: Look, I get the whole not wanting to have public sex thing, but I don't know if I can be with someone who won't play Wii.

–43rd & Madison

Posted on October 22, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Breaking Up, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dads, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Girlfriends, Guys, Idiots, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, School, Sex, Soho, Store, Stupidity, The Village, Threats, Video Games, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

The More the Merrier, Wednesday One-Liners!

Elderly woman sipping wine: Three girls and one guy? Sounds like a good time!

–Queens

Overheard by: amused cashier

Dude on cell: Hey bro, whatcha doing? Oh, yeah? What about your friend, does he like doing that? Does he like it a lot? Do you think I can come over? Well, then we can all do that together, a lot. (sees people looking at him) I'll talk to you later, bro.

–Church St Post Office

Overheard by: deshaunicus

Serious girl: And then they asked for a three-way, but a tasteful one.

–15th St & 5th Ave

Middle aged woman to friend: I just got this bike seat but I have to return it. I was riding around on it yesterday and when I woke up this morning, I felt like I'd been gang-banged by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

–Bike Shop, 12th St & Ave B

20-something chick: I am *so* over threesomes. There's just too much going on!

–Weight Room, Coles Gym

Overheard by: M.F.

White chick in sundress: I'm too naive for their kind of orgies.

–Dallas BBQ, 165th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk guy at bar: I have to pee, but first I have one word for you: threesome.

–Crocodile Lounge

Posted on October 22, 2008
Alphabet City, Ass, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Football, Friends, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Orgy, Pee, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Three is Company, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Words

Bet You Don't Even Salute the Baby When You Walk Into a Room

Chick, leaning on wall holding baby: Yo, lemme get a cigarette?
Guy, walking out of the train station: Nah, not with that baby in your hand.
Chick: Pssh, I'm not pregnant.
Guy: Not with that baby in your hand, that's disrespectful.

–Queens Boulevard

Overheard by: A Good Reason Not to Have Kids

Posted on October 21, 2008
Girls, Guys, Kids, Offers and requests, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Smoking

I Have Considerable Skill at Butt-Crushing

Eight-year-old son to father stubbing out cigarette: Can I do it?
Father: No.
Son: Why not?
Father: Because it's for me to do.
Son: But I know what I'm doing, I'm good at it.

–36th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: V

Posted on October 19, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Kids, Offers and requests, Questions, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking

Offers and requests