Guy #1: …and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix–
Guy #2: Who’s River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix’s brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess…
–A train
Guy #1: …and then I came in and Anne was watching some gay movie with Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix–
Guy #2: Who’s River Phoenix?
Guy #1: You know, Joaquin Phoenix’s brother.
Guy #2: Joaquin Phoenix has a brother?
Guy #1: I guess…
–A train
Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!
–NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!
–5th Ave
Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.
–F Train
Overheard by: Teabag
Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.
–Broadway
Overheard by: sounds yummy
Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time… I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: vicky
Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.
–42nd St & 10th Ave
Guy #1: Yo, why haven't you followed me on Twitter yet?
Guy #2: Man, I don't even pay attention to you when you talk!
–2 Train
Man sitting down: Your fly is open.
Cop: What?
Man: Your fly is open.
Cop, looking down: Hey, I’m going to the jail and I got my nuts hangin’ out! Thanks, man.
Man: Sure, no problem.
–7 train, 46th St, Woodside
Overheard by: Didn’t see his nuts…
Guy to friends: They broke up… He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.
–Stone St.
Overheard by: Jen
Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?
–F Train
Overheard by: dianora
13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That’s so cruel! Um, can I date him?
–Thompson Street, The Village
Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!
–8th St Park
Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don’t like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it’s the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that’s great!
–Outside the Frick Museum
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don’t leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back… Please! (pause) Okay, but I’m keeping the deposit!
–E 4th Street
Overheard by: Nima Shirazi
Suit #1: I mean, it was crazy — first this lady has a kid in the elevator, and then about a week later, another lady’s water breaks in the same elevator.
Suit #2: I would have hated to be the guy to mop that up.
Suit #1: That elevator shaft is like a friggin’ fallopian tube!
–2 train
Overheard by: Paul
Headline by: dank
Runners-Up:
· “And Park Slope Is Like a Cum-Soaked Uterus” – t.a.m.s.y.
· “At least it’s not menstruating like that elevator in The Shining” – Chris
· “In Similar News, The Lobby Stairwell is Closed for Yeast Infection Maintenance” – Maeve K
· “P.C. Pimps Don’t Push ‘Em Down The Stairs Anymore” – elrobinder
· “Push! Push! No, push the BUTTON!” – Julia
· “The Fertile Ascent” – Benzero
· “The Pussyseidon Adventure- 2006” – smscpw
· “The elevator is still better than having to make small talk with the guy who performs abortions in the stairwell” – Raden Mutter
· “Where do you stand on partial-floor evacuations?” – Kevin Perry
Queer, as someone is trying to push through the crowd: Throw menstrual blood at him! That’s the one thing girls can do to get back at guys! Throw menstrual blood at him!
–Roseland Ballroom
Dad to pre-teen daughter about mom: She is on the rag today. Don’t talk to her this moringing, she’s got an attitude.
–R Train
Girl: I have sexed my period away too!
–Bowery
Businesswoman: So yeah, it still really hurts. I guess it’s cause I got my period last night… [Sees a disgusted look on a male suit’s face.] Blood! Blood! Raaar!
–Wall Street
Overheard by: Withnail
Woman: That’s enough pushing, people. I’m pregnant and I’m nice and tight up in here.
Guy: That’s why you got pregnant!
–6 train
Overheard by: john chianese
Black teen girl #1: Ashley is pissing me off. Do you know what she wants me to do this weekend?
Black teen girl #2: No, what?
Black teen girl #1: Pick apples!
Black teen girl #2: Is she white?
Black teen girl #1: No, that’s what pisses me off, she’s black!
Black teen girl #2: Shit, I don’t know about apple picking, but this weekend, I’m gonna do some jerk chicken pickin’!
–A train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Johnny Appleseed
Dirtbag #1: I got her number for you.
Dirtbag #2: I don’t want it. If you give it to me, I’m going to throw it out.
Dirtbag #1: She was banging, and she had a sister. Is she banging?
Dirtbag #2: She looked good. Taller. Younger.
Dirtbag #1: We gonna take them to the movies and then to the hotel.
Dirtbag #2: Yeah?
Dirtbag #1: We gonna pull the camcorder out on that.
–Manhattan bound F train
