Sex

Well Met on Opening Day

Guy on cell: Hey, what’s up?…I’m at the Met game…The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Washington has 2 men on and nobody out…Two-one. No outs.
Guy #2: There’s one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sorry. One out. We’ve been here since 8 and I’ve been drinking since 8:30. I’m wasted…Listen, Ma, I gotta go, I’m missing the game.

He hangs up.

Guy #1: My mother calls to get the score. Turn on the radio!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Hey, Carlos! Steal second, I won’t tell anybody!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Get off your knees; you’re blowing the game!

–Shea Stadium

Who Says Stuff Like That Except Virgins?

TV guy #1: We're not putting whores on tv.
TV guy #2: Are you a virgin?
TV guy #1: No, this cherry has been popped.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Derek

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Think of It As “Well-Traveled”

Hipster guy to hipster chick: …and he's like, "I didn't come; why is there so much come all over?" And she's like, "Oh, you're number 23." So he's like, "Oh, okay." And he starts pounding away again!

–Bedford & 11th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Woman, with her mouth about an inch from a guy, about to kiss him: I can't, I already had sex with three guys today.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Derek

Girl to friend: I'm really worried about her. I think she has a serious case of slutism.

–66th & Columbus

Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, so apparently "Happy hour Tuesday" equals "Walk of shame Wednesday." I just wish I could've been working at my job for more than a week before I walked in reeking of shame and spermicide. (pause) Actually, I wish the spermicide thing was true. Then I wouldn't have to drop $50 bucks today on plan B.

–Wall St

Teenage boy on cell: She's still sleeping with my brother. I mean, my brother is sleeping with like ten other girls…but she's in his regular rotation.

–Starbucks, Montague Street

NYU student on cell: But logic doesn't call you back. Logic sleeps with you and leaves in the morning.

–Kimmel Center

Unless Natalie Portman Starts Returning My Letters

White teen: I don’t think I could date an ugly girl.
Preppy black teen: Yeah…
White teen: I think I’ll just marry a hot one for the sex and cheat on her emotionally with someone who is actually smart.

–Grand Central

NewsFlash: Gay Man Shocked That Straight People Have Anonymous Sex!

College girl: I think I’m going to have sex with him.
Queer: Really? Why?
College girl: Because I’m 20.
Queer: What’s his name?
College girl: Ummm…
Queer: Nice, real nice. You’re a class act.
College girl: I still have at least three years before I have to worry about being classy.

–X10 express bus

Have You Never Seen a Horror Movie?

Black 15-year-old kid: What you doing on Halloween?
White 15-year-old kid: Gettin' laid.
Black 15-year-old kid: What the fuck? Gettin' laid on Halloween? That's some bullshit. That's some bullshit!

–Gym Locker Room, Bayside, New York

Overheard by: tbomb

When the Bubble Bursts, a BJ Will Do It

Twentysomething girl: So, you think I should tell him I’ll sleep with him for that apartment?
Supportive friend: Oh, absolutely.

–2nd Ave station

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.

–Supreme Court Building

Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.

–Coffee Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!

–F Train

Overheard by: Staying on the F

Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.

–School, Lower Manhattan

Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?

–Columbus Circle

He’s Just Not That Into You…

Hip woman: …then I slit my wrists–
Hip guy: Um?
Hip woman: –and he sucked my blood.

–5th Ave. & 19th St.

They’ve Got to Be Listening to You First

Dude #1: …so she like told me all penises were ugly. That they were just ugly organs, so I was like, “Yeah? Well, then from now on you can’t get any of mine!”
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: So she all took her clothes off and then we did it.
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: The best way to get a chick is to act like you don’t care and you get laid immediately.

–19th & Broadway

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