Will Work for Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged woman: My work is better than my personality, honestly.

–40th b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Jim

Girl on cell: But you don't speak English or Spanish good. Baby, you just aren't that smart, how you supposed to get a job?

–Baskin & Robbins Downtown

Conductor: I really don't give a damn whether or not you stand clear of the closing doors, because regardless of where we go I'm still working.

–1 Train

Overheard by: gefilte fish junkie

Hobo, arguing with another: Don't talk to me like I'm yo' job.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Emily

Whiny lady on cell: Yeah, so I think I am allergic to my office. (pause) Oh, no, no, I am positive I am allergic to something in the office. Every time I am in there, sitting in my chair, I get these pains in my back.

–41st St & Park Ave

Overheard by: you still have a job, ungrateful lady!

Hobo to passers-by: Where are you all going? There ain't no jobs.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Store, Strangers, Street, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

…Well That's False Advertising.

Lady looking at cellphone: Oh, it has free nationwide service. That means I can call anywhere in the world for free?
Boyfriend: No. Just in the nation.
Lady: Oh.

–Sprint Store, 42 & 6th

Posted on May 12, 2009
Boyfriends, Cell Phone, Free stuff!, Global Geography, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Store, Stupidity

Don't Forget to Wipe Your Blow-Hole

Mother: Honey, are you done going potty?
Three-year-old daughter: Meeeeahh oooh gruuuu.
Mother: Are you speaking whale again?

–Bathroom, Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Overheard by: mmk

Posted on May 9, 2009
Animals & Nature, Kids, Language Barrier, Moms, Park Slope, Poop, Store

Like, Have You Tried Putting a Bag Over His Head?

Salesgirl #1: Why are you going to an ugly boy's party?
Salesgirl #2: Because I'm cool with his friends.
Salesgirl #1: Doesn't he know he's ugly?

–Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Posted on May 7, 2009
Beauty, Celebrations/Parties, Coworkers, Physical appearance, Questions, Store, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Call It a “Job” for Nothin'

Bar hopper: Look at him! He's 20, but he sucks dick like he's 47!

–2nd Ave & 5th St

Overheard by: Christian

Girl on cell: I'm really mad that he's telling everyone I gave him head, and calling my mom a milf.

–West 72nd Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Will

Student on cell: I can't wait to put that in my mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wait, What?

30-something to teen: I'm telling you: ignore a bitch and she'll be giving you head in a day.

–Central Park

Slutty girl: So after about five minutes, I took a break and my jaw was shaking.

–87th & 3rd

Crazy hobo: Look, I don't mean this in a sexual manner, but could you suck my dick?

–Times Square

Posted on May 6, 2009
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Biotechs, BJs, Body Parts, Central Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Store, Street, Students, Teens, Time, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Mind If I Trace It with This Marker?

Girl #1, in dressing room: How are these pants?
Girl #2: They're too tight.
Girl #1: They's supposed to be tight.
Girl #2: But not so tight to where I can see the outline of your twat!

–Gap, Colmbus Circle

Overheard by: chokedwithlaughter

Posted on May 3, 2009
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Height, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Shopping, Store, Vagina

My German Friends Tell Me What They Are

Employee in fitting room: You all just cut those women in line.
Woman in line: No, they said that they weren't in line. Right? Isn't that what they told all of you too?
Employee: But they were here before all of you in line now, you can't cut them.
Woman: They said that it was okay. I wouldn't just jump ahead of people. I'm Italian, but I do have limits.

–Loehmann's, Upper West Side

Posted on May 2, 2009
Clerks, Customers, Foreigners, Italians, Questions, Shopping, Store, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

The Make-a-Wednesday-One-Liner Foundation

Lady on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat removed from my back but we can't all get what we want, can we?

–Target

10-year-old child with mother and younger siblings: I wish I could get a diaper…

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Random smoking kid: I really wish I could smoke out of my ass.

–Lincoln Center

Girl crossing the street: I really wish something would hit me…I need some money.

–Times Square

Overheard by: 3 day tourist

Girl, after receiving gift: This is…this is so great! I'm so happy! Oh, man! I…I wish you had a little penis so I could give it a rub right now!

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Posted on April 29, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Cars and Driving, Diet/Weight, Gifts, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Height, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Penis, Should've Used a Condom, Smoking, Store, Street, Surgery, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

You've Got Some Set Of Wednesday One-Liners on You, Buddy!

Woman on cell: I'd love to watch football with you. I'll even hold the balls.

–92nd & Lexington

Boyfriend to guy sitting between him and his girlfriend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here.

–Uptown 4 Train

20-something chick: I aim for as many balls as possible.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Woman to male Target employee: Do you have balls? (brief awkward pause) Like playing ones…

–Target, Queens

Mother to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don't have balls! (group of boys eagerly raise their hands)

–LIRR

Overheard by: Chadwick

Posted on April 29, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Boyfriends, Clerks, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Football, Girls, Guys, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, Queens, Questions, Store, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words