Union Square and East Village

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

Tonight on Celebmentally-Ill Apprentice

Crazy guy: You know, there's a big sale going on, on stars. They're only $10,000.
Amused girl: Oh wow, that's cheap, I totally wish I had $10,000.
Crazy guy: Actually, I'm trying to put together a benefit for endangered animals.

–Union Square

JDate Just Crashed

Hobo: Hey baby, will you marry me? Wanna get married?
Girl: No thanks.
Hobo: Will if you won’t marry me, will you at least go on a date?
Girl: I guess I’d be paying.

–Astor Place

Except It's a Sidewalk and Not Our Microwave

Little girl: Mommy, mommy, look, that doggie is pee-peeing on the sidewalk!
Mom: Yeah, just like daddy last night.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: suzz

Wednesday Drunk-Liners

Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!

–W 88th St

Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!

–Metro-North Train

Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!

–East Village

Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor

Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!

–Poker Game, Astoria

Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY

Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!

–L Train

A Gay Dude Would've Had a Much Better Response Than That.

Teen girl in cross-colors #1: That's the thing about gay dudes! They have the best comebacks!
Teen girl in cross-colors #2: I know!

–Flatbush Ave & St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Eric S

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

The Time is Such a Rare, Expensive Commodity

Hobo: Do you have time?
Hipster guy: Yeah, and I also have a job that earned me money to buy a watch so I could have the time.

–14th & B

Overheard by: Reid

Oh, Sorry, Were You Having a Private Moment?

Girl #1: I can’t believe you just felt me up!
Girl #2: I can’t believe you just pulled my shirt off!

Two guys nearby whip their heads around to look.

Girls: What are you looking at?!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: We all did

More Like Playing-House-for-the-Weekend Domestic

20-ish white chick #1: I always feel, like, really domestic at the farmer’s market.
20-ish white chick #2: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. But not, like, suburban. Like, ‘I want to kill myself’ domestic.

–Union Square Farmer’s Market

Overheard by: Girl who is I-want-to-kill-myself domestic

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