Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Mouths

Man in stall, struggling: Damn you, Taco Bell!

–Bathroom, John Jay College

Girl on cell in stall: I liked him better when he was homeless.

–Bathroom, Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Sydney

Drunk hipster in stall: Don’t get the kielbasa sandwich.

–Club Warsaw, Williamsburg

Overheard by: nickporjr

Man on cell in stall: Hold on a second, honey. [Biological sounds] Okay, I’m back. Look, there’s no way to say this other than right out. This week together made me think things over. Will you marry me?

–Office bathroom, 44th & Lex

Overheard by: Tony

Drunk girl in stall, to herself: Okay, this time let’s try not to pee all over my jeans.

–Cabana, Maritime Hotel

Girl in stall: Uggghhh! Fuck… [Panting] Fuck!

–Bathroom, Fordham Law School

Overheard by: Seriously concerned

Guy at urinal: Oh yeah, son! Yeah, I am dominating this shit!

–Library Bathroom, Fordham University

Highlights for Wednesday One-Liners

Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box… Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!

–Dressing room, Bloomingdale’s

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It’s not that I don’t understand your vision, I just don’t agree with it.

–Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: Melly Mel

Eight-year-old boy whining: Dad, I’m thirsty! I wanna go to the liquor store!

–Central Park

Overheard by: admiring their childrearing practices

Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!

–60th & Lex

Little boy, after bumping into a girl: Sorry, my ass is broken.

–City Hall Subway Station

Overheard by: Miss Adventure

Three-year-old girl waiting in check-out line: Mommy, I hate this store! Are we in the suburbs?

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Little British girl: Mummy, when I die can I be here?

–Evolution, Spring St

Overheard by: stephanie

Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?

Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!

–Trump Building

Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too

Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.

–Queens

Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.

–Governors Island ferry

Overheard by: boring

Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…

–4th Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Jessica

British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!

–Silver Center, NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Are Serfectly Pober

Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar ‘n’ some shit!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: EthanK

Dude: Yo, this conversation is way too intellectual. Let’s go — I just wanna get drunk and find some hos…

–56th & 8th

Overheard by: JGT

30-ish dude on cell: Yeah, he was so drunk he tried to pay the tab with his health insurance card. Then he got mad when they wouldn’t take it.

–43rd & 9th

Guy on phone: That bar sounds awful. I’ll be right there!

–53rd & 3rd

Summer-Weight Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: They should just go ahead and make January a month already. Officially, I mean.

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora

Suit on cell: I think the picture for the cover of the annual report should be me and you bent over a table, and John Smith* standing behind us, gloating.

–68th & Broadway

Suit on cell: He’s not hallucinating. He’s just realized that he’s allergic to polyester.

–125th St Metro North platform

Overheard by: Thatsoundsaboutright

Suit on cell: Yeah, he accidentally put his thumb through a two hundred million dollar…

–W 12th & Greenwich Ave

Overheard by: Wang

Suit on cell: No, listen to me! You cannot call that ‘fluff.’ You call that ‘fluff,’ both you and me will go to jail.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Erin

Tall, lanky white suit: And he was all, ‘Jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba…’ Ya know?

–Starbucks, Beaver St

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Suit in rain, splashed by crazy, honking cabbie: Whoa! Fucking lunatic! … Well, at least now you can’t tell I just fucking pissed myself! Asshole!

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: morgan

Oh Me So Wednesday One-liners

Musician: See, that’s why I don’t drink. So I can fuck any time.

–26th between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mike

Guy: Where can I go to make it look like I went home last night?

–56th & 9th

Overheard by: David

Ghetto chick: …and it’s not like I’m calling him a transsexual, but he gave oral like a starving lesbian.

–58th & 5th

Overheard by: Melissa

Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Hot?

Balding 40-something: I’m a coed! Don’t laugh — I am a hot coed!

–Columbia University

Drunken cheerleader to fat friend: We’re the hottest non-lesbian girl couple ever.

–68th & Lex

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s too damn hot to be messin’ with the females today.

–Union St & 4th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Teen program chick: … And even if it’s really, really hot outside, you are not supposed to sleep with a fan directly on you.

–Columbia University

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!

–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk

Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher

Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"

–Penn Station

Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: T. Ryan

Don't Read Too Much Into These Wednesday One-Liners

Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.

–York & 72nd

Overheard by: fance

Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!

–Borders Bookstore, Midtown

Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.

–Train, Penn Station

Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?

–Stuyvesant High School

Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!

–1st & 7th

Overheard by: Phyllis Dean

Wednesday One-Liners Have an Amazing Ability to Multitask

Woman: You wanna have a gang bang? Then I’m not being nice today.

–32nd & 6th

Ghetto girl: While you was kissing him he was eatin’ her out.

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: What would I do without you? Who would archive my threesomes?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky

Cabbie, after four girls exit cab: Usually when four white girls get into cab and say, ‘Harlem,’ they are going to see their man for a gang bang.

–109th & Madison

Overheard by: wish i lived in harlem back then

Little girl: I can’t wait to tell my class about polyamory!

–Amtrak out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Nipples

Guy on cell: There was a blonde-haired girl and a brown-haired girl. I did everything to the brown-haired girl!

–Bedford Ave, between N 3rd & N 4th

Overheard by: chloe

Blonde chick on cell: No, you wouldn’t like them. They aren’t into orgies.

–Astor Place

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