Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner

Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean…these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!

–Bar, Smith & Sackett

Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!

–Jackie Robinson Park

Overheard by: Ian

High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!

–58th & 7th

Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!

–Fordham University

Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Fordham, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

If a Boy Is Your Friend, Is He Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Hot Latina: He doesn't look like someone I'd want to fuck. But neither does my boyfriend… Well, depending on what he's wearing.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Overheard by: SillyUrn

Girl to friend: If my boyfriend ever asked me to do that, I would get a new boyfriend, preferably the blow-up one that I already have in my bed.

–Dorm, NYU

Overheard by: amused

Girl in leopard print pajamas: My boyfriend is the voice on Dora the Explorer. Name dropped.

–Elevator, NYU

Overheard by: babaganoush the great

Teen boy on cell: Hi, Lisa, it's Matt. Sarah and I were just talking about how much you love tools, so I went to Home Depot today and picked you up a new boyfriend.

–N Train

Overheard by: SueCity

Yuppie to friends: So my boyfriend called me last night and asked me, "Hey, do you even know my name?" and I said, "Well…no."

–1 Train

Overheard by: yams

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Infidelity, Latinos, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Street, Teens, Video Games, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

Harold and Kumar III Features the Same Old Regurgitated Jokes

Older man: I'm drunk and hungry, I need some White Castle.
Younger man: That'll make you throw up.
Older man: But that's how I end all my nights, so it won't be different.

–Christopher St & 7th Ave

Posted on May 26, 2009
Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Men, Old People, The Village, Vomit, Weirdness

Wouldn't You Find That Symbolically Disturbing?

20-something: Well, what are we going to do tonight if the movie is sold out?
Black comedy slinger, overhearing: See a comedy show!
20-something: No, that's okay.
Black comedy slinger: It's cool, I never killed anyone.
20-something: We're alright.
Black comedy slinger: And I love white people.
20-something: We're not tourists…
Black comedy slinger: Oh, okay. Want a piggyback ride?

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Robert B

Posted on May 26, 2009
Black People, Film, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Questions, Race, Strangers, Theater & Dance, Tourism, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Reader Poll: Has the Shelf Life Expired on That Reference?

Film professor: So, as you can see, ads use many different types of targets to get you to buy their stuff. What do beer ads use to make you want beer?
Student: Twins!

–NYU

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on May 24, 2009
Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, NYU, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Let's Leave This Heathen Town Before It Eats Us Alive!

Old tourist: They have a monorail here now.
Older tourist: A what?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: A monorail?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: Jesus.

–JFK

Overheard by: zoviet

Posted on May 22, 2009
Airports, JFK Airport, Old People, Public Transportation, Questions, Tourism, Tourists, Weirdness

I Need Tight Jeans to Stabilize My Pelvis

Girl #1: I wish someone would tie my pubic bone back together.
Girl #2: don't you mean your “pelvic” bone?
Girl #1: No dude, it's definitely my pubic bone that's all shifted.

–Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th

Posted on May 21, 2009
Girls, Health and Hygiene, Private Parts, Store, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

That's Girl Talk for “Get Off My Hair, Dude!”

Teenage guy #1: Well, how do you know that she… Ya know?
Teenage guy #2: Well, she moaned.
Teenage guy #1: What did it sound like?
Teenage guy #2: Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.

–33rd & 5th

Posted on May 21, 2009
Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Teens, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Some Privacy, Please

Professional-sounding female on cell in bathroom stall: What? (sounds of toilet paper roll) In the bathroom? No! (indignantly) I…I'm…near the bathroom!

–Women's Bathroom, FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: near the computer

Girl to friend in bathroom stall: That crack in the door is big enough for me to see the crack of 'yo ass.

–Women's Bathroom, Hunter College

Man exiting bathroom stall to waiting man: No, no, no. Feces.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: matt

Black loud cleaning lady to Asian woman: Excuse me, miss? Why you gotta be leaving the seat up? You always leave the seat up! Putting the seat up is okay, but if you put it up, put it down!

–Ladies Room, LIRR

Overheard by: BK

Guy on cell in toilet stall: Now I am unbuckling my belt. (pause) Now I am unzipping my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my pants. (pause) Now I am pulling down my underwear. (pause) Now I am sitting down.

–Men's Room, Billy Elliott

Old guy peeing in a urinal, with childlike delight and glee: Wheeeee! Wheeeeeeeeee! Wooooooooooooo! Wheeeeeeeee!

–Men's Room, McDonald's

Posted on May 20, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Black People, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Height, Lies, Men, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Singing, Store, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Weirdness