Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!
–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!
–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Wife: So, I’m allergic to cats.
Husband: And I’m allergic to dogs.
Wife: So there was no choice, really.
Old guy: But aren’t ferrets illegal here?
Husband: If the city can let those damn marsupial-sized rats run around the tracks, then I sure as hell can have a ferret!
Wife: Besides, do you have any idea how fun it is trying to smuggle a smelly, squeaking animal out of an apartment right past the chain-smoking landlord? Getting the damn thing to the vet is even funner!
–Penn Station
Preacher woman: They say, if you see something, say something — if you see a suspicious package, say something! Well, Hell is a suspicious package!
Commuter: Since it’s about a hundred and forty degrees down here, I’d say this was Hell. Who can I speak to about it?
–2/3 station, Fulton St
Overheard by: Karen Maria
Junkie lady to junkie guy: Get your hands out of your pockets! No pocket pool!
–22nd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Damian
Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…
–B train
Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!
–Q25 bus
Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McF.
Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’
–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Jenya
Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.
–27th & 7th
Overheard by: tuna on rye
White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.
–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pmd
Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!
–N 4th St & Driggs Ave
Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs
Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…
–Madison Square Garden
Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!
–NYFA, Union Square
Overheard by: kswin
Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Trainspotter
Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.
—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre
Overheard by: Michael Baker
Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!
–Burns St, Forest Hills
Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.
–C train
Overheard by: Sarah F.
Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: Really!
Middle-aged white lady: Excuse me, where is Shanghai?
Asian girl: You in the wrong country.
Middle-aged white lady: No! I mean Shanghai Restaurant.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: confused
Woman: How much are those?
Man selling roses: Two dollars.
Woman: They die.
–W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: SarahW
Bride: You are to behave like ladies.
Six-year-old #1: Can we take off our shoes?
Bride: Ladies take their shoes off after the ceremony.
Six-year-old #2: Can we run around?
Bride: After the ceremony, you can take off all your clothes and go nuts all night. I’ll be married. I won’t care.
Maid of Honor: But not until after the ceremony!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Reverend Ryan
