Wednesday One-Liner Swap

Lady on cell: She must have been humiliated by the parade of wives!

–Broadway & 72nd

Man to friend: Whenever I want to fuck my wife, she doesn't want to. But when I can't, she always wants to. I think she does it out of spite.

–12th St

(Elton John's Rocketman playing on radio) "I miss the Earth so much… I miss my wife…"
Barista: You don't miss your wife, Elton. You're gay!

–Small Coffee Shop, SoHo

Midget handing out fliers: Who likes comedy? (to man in striped shirt) Hey, do you like comedy? I like striped shirts, let's work something out here!
(man keeps walking)
Midget, yelling after him: No wonder your wife doesn't love you!

–Union Square Subway

30-something guy: Dude, that's so rude. Plus, she's going to be your wife soon, so you've got to stop calling her that.

–Hell's Kitchen

Posted on January 11, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Clothing, Comebacks, Family Ties, Flyer people, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Insults, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Musicians, On Cell, One-liners, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Soho, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires, Women

Conduct Yourself with Some Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Next stop, the street formerly known as Prince Street.

–R train

Overheard by: Rachel Kolb

Posted on January 8, 2015
About Celebrities, Names, NYC Geography, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Subway conductors

They Wore White to the Funeral

Girl #1: Guess who my dad saw in an elevator yesterday? Johnny Carson.
Girl #2: I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Don’t you mean Johnny Cash?

–55th & 3rd

Posted on January 1, 2015
About Celebrities, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Pop Culture, Stupidity

By “Picture” I Mean “Life-Sized Doll” and By “Wall” I Mean “Bed”

Guy: Hey, this might sound creepy but I have a picture of you on my wall.
Jon Stewart: That is creepy. Do you live in a comedy club?

–Cupcake Cafe, 18th & 26th

Posted on December 29, 2014
About Celebrities, Actors, Astoria, Celebrities, Comedians, Default, Fears, Guys, Pictures, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness

Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

Posted on December 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

“I’m the Messiah, Bitch!” (Sorry)

Girl #1: Ooh, look at that cool Jesus jacket.
Girl #2: That’s not Jesus, that’s Rick James.

–Broadway & Spring

Overheard by: margie

Posted on December 27, 2014
About Celebrities, Bimbettes, Clothing, Jesus, Little Italy, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Speaking Of the Filth Of Humanity…

Whiny old man: I hate the cold. I get so cold I hafta take a hot shower every night. How 'bout you?
Old woman: Well, Eddy, you're supposed to take showers all the time.
Whiny old man: How about that OJ Simpson?

–B3 Bus

Overheard by: Laura E.

Posted on December 22, 2014
About Celebrities, Bus, Cleanliness, Gripes, Men, Old People, On the Bus, Questions, Weather, Women

We Apologize to Ms. Stiles on Behalf Of All New York's Awful Men

Professional 20-something girl: Julia Stiles came into the office today.
Guy friend: Did you fuck her?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Fi

Posted on December 17, 2014
About Celebrities, Friends, Girls, Questions, Sex, Starbucks

About Celebrities