If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.

–11th & Broadway

Overheard by: Z

Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.

–Brooklyn Public House

Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies

Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Office, Midtown

Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!

–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hollister

Posted on December 23, 2019
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Wednesday One-Liners Shit You Not

Dad to two little kids: Hurry. Hurry! Daddy just crapped himself!

–27th & 7th

Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sample too many…

–In front of Brooklyn Academy of Music

Overheard by: TMI

College dude to girlfriend in loud whisper: I took such a good shit today. [Girlfriend smiles and kisses him.]

–PATH station, 14th St

Overheard by: Abby

Girl: So I woke up the next morning, looked over, and there was a human shit a foot away from my head.

–Purity Diner, Park Slope

Guy: That Mary Poppins… she’s a spoonful of shit!

–Times Square

Posted on December 20, 2019
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Wednesday One-Liners, Now with 10 Percent More Stank

Suit in sunglasses: This entire platform smells like a hitherto unknown species of ass.

–D train platform, 34th St

Aging hipster on cell: At worst, you emit a general smell. If people notice it, I don’t think they associate it with you.

–Worth St & W Broadway

Loud woman: Yo, where you at? I can smell your breath, but I can’t see your face!

–Shoe store

Drunk chick in room of females: It smells like penis in here.

–Pi2 Lounge, W 12th & Surf Ave

Overheard by: Ioulia Fedorova

Teen on cell: Dude, they kicked me off campus! Because they said I smelled like I was high. I mean, I am a little high, but I don’t smell like it!

–Stuyvesant High

Fat man: Why didn’t anyone call Patty* and tell her that her breath stinks?

–Victory Hospital

Overheard by: Suquaia

Guy, smelling girl’s armpit: Man, that’s brutal! But I kinda like it…

–NYU

Posted on December 17, 2019
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Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Posted on December 17, 2019
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A Few Sucky Wednesday One-Liners

Brunette woman yelling on cell: Look, I'm 24 fucking years old. If I want to suck dick all day, that's my business!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Blank Slater

Girl on cell: First you go, "accckkk… accckkkk" (makes choking sounds) Then you have a mouth fulla cum!

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: I.R.

50-something woman, screaming into cell: Listen, asshole, I'm not some cheap slut you can call whenever you need someone to suck you off, I have a job!

–Penn Station Taxi Line

Black man in phone booth: You better suck that juicy white cock, and get me that perfume, bitch!

–7th Ave & 35th St

Posted on December 15, 2019
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Wednesday One-liners

A chick pushing an old woman in a wheelchair says: Just let me know when you get tired of walking.

–59th & 3rd

Overheard by: Christopher

Queer: I can’t believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I’m not a liar.

–West 4th & broadway

Overheard by: MrRobinson

Hobo: All right fine, you win, I guess I do wish they were shitty pilots.

–6th Avenue & 9th Street

Posted on December 13, 2019
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America Runs on Wednesday One-Liners

Thug: I love you because when I'm with you I feel like I'm Barack Obama and you're Hillary Clinton.

–N Train

All-black-wearing chick with cigarette: Do you ever find yourself thinking really conservative thoughts by accident?

–Outside International Affairs Building, Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Subway crazy: Rip Torn for president! Denny McLain for Secretary of State!

–Uptown 6 Train

Girl with baby in her arms: You know, he taped an Obama poster on his door and I was like, "Oh no, you didn't put that up." 'cause he don't know nothing about politics. Hell, he a felon…he can't even vote.

–East Village Urban Outfitters

Five-year-old boy pointing at a sidewalk mural of Hillary and Obama: Mom, look, Hillary! (long pause) And some guy.

–106th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kip

Grumpy old man: Things have been going downhill since the Wilson administration.

–70th & Columbus

Overheard by: Devoted Puppy

Posted on December 7, 2019
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Columbia University, Crazies, Girls, Kids, Love, Old People, On the Subway, Politics, President, Questions, Race, Smokers & Smoking, Store, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!

–Madison Square Garden Bathroom

Posted on December 2, 2019
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Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I can't believe you broke a nail on your own ass hair!

–Church & Chambers

Three-year-old boy to another: I like you but I don't like your baby because your baby grabbed my hair.

–Central Park, Great Lawn

Girl: Oh, I'm so glad this is all working out. (gets up and sees her reflection) Fuck! Why didn't you tell me my hair looked like a dead beaver?

–Prince St Cafe

Overheard by: It DID

Black woman to infant held by her mother: Where did you get all of that hair? I want some of that hair. (pats her head) This ain't my hair, I could really use yours.

–Harlem Polling Station

Overheard by: Joe

Girl yelling into cell: He's not even hairy!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Well then why do they call him that?

Chick: I thought we were made for each other, but he's too bearded.

–113th St

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred