Ass

How Was Your First Day of School, New York?

Guy: What were you doing studying on the first fucking day of school? You didn’t even have your books yet. What the fuck were you studying? Studying nothing.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Dad: Two more pairs? What do you have now, like, 19 pairs?
Daughter: But these are different.
Dad: Fine, but this must be all you need then, right? We won’t have to do anymore shopping for the whole school year, right?
Daughter: Well, I’m not sure about that. I may need some later.
Dad: Why? You only have one butt!

–Marshall’s, Atlantic Avenue Mall

Overheard by: Jake Abraham

Two Girls, One Gap

Woman to friends: Girl, you know how to do some rollers?
Friend: Damn, honey, I don't know how to do none of that shit. I could braid, I could perm, but that's it. You know that bitch Julia, she Mexican. She could do it. She know how to multitask.
Conductor: Please watch the gap as you exit the train, ladies and gentlemen.
Friend: Damn! That's a big ass gap, my ass almost fell over!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Oh, Sorry–Didn’t Know You Were on the Phone

Black dude following girl: Hey man, check out that ass! Look at that ass! That’s some fine ass. Look at that ass.
Black chick being followed: (into her phone) Hold on. (turns to man) Nigga, go away!

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: Ivan

He Said You Need Your Hearing Checked

Russian thug #1: I need to see a psychiatrist, man.
Russian thug #2: Yeah?
Russian thug #1: Yeah, yeah, I need to get my head checked out.
Russian thug #2: You need to get your ass checked out.
Russian thug #1: What? My ass?
Russian thug #2: Yeah, you need your ass checked.
Russian thug #1: What?

–F train

There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster Pee-wee Herman lookalike to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilingus to let me direct a show? You're totally gonna be in it!

–Q Train

Overheard by: Flea

Man: I believe some of this will be made up.

–Going into Wicked, Broadway

Overheard by: CAM

Black highschool girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?

—In the Heights, Broadway Musical

Overheard by: Cookie

Woman in Jersey accent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: HarlemRy

Daniel Radcliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I'm eighty, I gotta be in this show with him. I'd be like, "put it in me! Put it in me!"

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: Nikki

Man leaving Hair: Well, that beats the hell outta Shakespeare!

–Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park

That's Your Answer to Everything, Maria.

Crazy hobo: Marriage is for having children, and gay people never have children! Marriage is for sex, and gay people never have sex!
Latina: He needs to get fucked up the ass.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Ari

She's a Proctologist, Betsy.

Mother: What do you mean by “she's obsessed with him”?
Five-year-old daughter: Cause she's all like…up his butt!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas.

–23rd & 3rd

Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level!

–Midtown Office

Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen.

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas!

–74th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband

Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

It's Always Sunny in Wednesday One-Liner

Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!

–14th St & University Place

Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.

–9th Ave & 25th St

Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!

–2nd & Bedford

Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"

–Bleecker St

Sodom and Wednesday One-liners

Chick: I should start going to gay bars. I’m tired of going to all these straight bars where guys feel free to rub their penis all over your ass.

–Zabar’s, Broadway & 80th St.

Overheard by: Basil

Woman: Honestly, I wonder what she ended up doing with a 3 foot, papier-mache penis.

–Broadway/Lafayette station

Overheard by: Jaya

Guy: I don’t want to live in a building that undulates!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Derek

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