Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar

Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?

–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.

–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel

TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’

–26th St

Overheard by: agrees with that girl

College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?

–114th & Broadway

Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.

–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on January 3, 2007
13 Bar, Advice, Age/Aging, Airports, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Barbershop, Bars & Clubs, Bodegas, Bowery Ballroom, Buildings, Bus, CBGB, Classroom, Cruise Ship, Dean & Deluca, Delis, Duane Reade, Elevators, Empire State Building, Grand Central, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Gyms, Hospitals, Hot dog stands, Hotels, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Laundromat, Long Island City, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Museums, Office, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Shea Stadium, Stall Spies, Starbucks, Staten Island, Staten Island Ferry, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tattoo Parlor, Taxis, The Bronx, The Hamptons, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Venues, Whole Foods, Yankee Stadium

Or We’ll Never Finish This Haiku

Middle-aged woman: … And you can’t just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I’ll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.

–Broadway & 35th, Astoria

Overheard by: Three’s a Crowd

Posted on December 28, 2006
Astoria, Backdoor, Creepsters

But Betty’s the Kind of Girl You Just Wanna Cheat on, You Know?

Thug boy: He’s a really nice guy.
Thug girl: No, he cheated on Betty twice!
Thug boy: True.

–Steinway St, Astoria

Posted on November 9, 2006
Astoria, Infidelity, Thugs

You’re Just an ‘R’ Away from Being a Wrench, Though

Mom: Why don’t you go and help your uncle fix the car?
Young girl: Excuse me… I’m not a screwdriver and I’m not a mechanic.

–Astoria

Posted on October 7, 2006
Astoria, Cars and Driving, Comebacks, Family Ties, Girls, Kids, Moms

It Smells That Way ‘Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman

Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.

–Astoria Blvd

Overheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim

Runners-Up:
· “A Little ‘Piece’ of Heaven” – Mistress Squidia
· “And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven…” – smo
· “Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit.” – Paul Nielsen
· “From Rear to Eternity” – ilemanzer
· “Heaven i’taint.” – Lee
· “Holy Shit” – lounamaa
· “I Don’t Think That’s What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: ‘I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'” – Jenny
· “Must Be a ZoroASStrian” – John P.
· “Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau” – steph
· “Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You’re Led to Believe in Church.” – J.C.
· “Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?” – kelynsh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on September 28, 2006
Ass, Astoria, Directions, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, Moms, Questions, Religion

For the Anal Sex-Toy Fetishist Who Loves to Cook

Jewish girl: Where did you get this necklace?
Christian boy: It’s not a necklace.
Jewish girl: Oh, right! It’s those rosemary beads.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Agnostic

Posted on September 12, 2006
Astoria, Fashion, Guys, JAPs, Questions

Scenes From the Day Before the Queens Blackout

Some Con Ed workers are standing around a manhole, peeking in and looking confused.

Con Ed worker: Just put some tape on it!

–43rd St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jennifer Cuatt

Posted on August 11, 2006
Advice, Astoria, Blue-collar workers, Coworkers, Idiots, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track

Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.

–C train, 59th St

Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.

–B train

Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: la di da

Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.

–N train, Astoria

Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast

Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.

–C train

Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl

Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.

–Downtown C train, 14th St

Overheard by: alxie

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”

–Queens bound F train

Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.

–F train, 34th St

Overheard by: prairiesquid

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.

–A train

Overheard by: english dude

Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?

–A train, 175th St

Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl

Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!

–1 train, Times Square

Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!

–PATH train

Posted on August 2, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Conductors, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, People, Places, Queens, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Times Square, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101

Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!

–Keyspan Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jesse

Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn’t make you special.

–Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital

Ghetto chick: When she’s asleep, I’m gonna squat on her brain.

–16th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: alyssa

Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?

–Chili’s, Staten Island

Overheard by: Ada and Andi

Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that’s because he was home-schooled.

–Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th

Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she’s like, “Naaah.” I’m gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000…Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.

–29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria

Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?

–31st & 6th

Overheard by: plo

Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?

–North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island

Overheard by: Shamrocknroll

Posted on July 26, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Brooklyn, Creepsters, Dads, Doctors, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Masturbation, Penis, Staten Island, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary