Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted

Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There’s nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man’s lawyer: Come on, don’t argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you’re going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!

–Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on March 24, 2007
Buildings, Crime and Punishment, Lawyers, Liars, Men, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Violence, Women

I’ve Got to Go Whack Off

Coworker #1: I just found out what ‘queef’ means.
Coworker #2: You’re on speakerphone.
Coworker #1: Queef, queef, queef, queef.

–Midtown office

Overheard by: Ruth

Posted on January 14, 2007
9 to 5-ers, Buildings, Talking/Convos, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar

Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?

–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.

–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel

TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’

–26th St

Overheard by: agrees with that girl

College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?

–114th & Broadway

Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.

–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on January 3, 2007
13 Bar, Advice, Age/Aging, Airports, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Barbershop, Bars & Clubs, Bodegas, Bowery Ballroom, Buildings, Bus, CBGB, Classroom, Cruise Ship, Dean & Deluca, Delis, Duane Reade, Elevators, Empire State Building, Grand Central, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Gyms, Hospitals, Hot dog stands, Hotels, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Laundromat, Long Island City, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Museums, Office, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Shea Stadium, Stall Spies, Starbucks, Staten Island, Staten Island Ferry, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tattoo Parlor, Taxis, The Bronx, The Hamptons, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Venues, Whole Foods, Yankee Stadium

Exactly the Response the Artist Was Looking For

Giggling little girl placing hand in butt-crack of a statue: Daddy, look!
Father: Spank it!

–Times Warner Building, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Adam Distler

Posted on November 17, 2006
Assholes, Buildings, Dads, Girls, Kids, Kink, Visual Art

At the Biasslon Olympic Tryouts

Asian guy: No, that was some pretty diarrhea. Did you see it?
Mexican guy: It was crazy, man. Wooo.
Asian guy: It was pretty diarrhea. Really.
Mexican guy: So pretty. We don’t got that shit in Mexico.

–Time-Life building lobby

Posted on November 11, 2006
Asians, Buildings, Global Geography, Mexicans, Poop, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

Is This the ‘Grandfather Paradox’?

Young woman: So you got any kids?
Older man: Nope, no kids.
Young woman: What about grandkids?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Toastmaster

Posted on September 5, 2006
Buildings, Family Ties, Idiots, Men, Old People, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Women

When Publicists Get Into the Catnip

Mandy Moore: So, what’s the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?

–Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher

Posted on August 22, 2006
A-List, Buildings, Celebrities, Elevators, Manhattan, People, Places, The Village, Venues

How the Seeds of Revolution Get Planted

Court clerk: Your summons says you must serve on the grand jury. Why are you asking for a postponement?
Juror: 4 weeks is too much.
Court clerk: It’s too much for everyone [waves hand at other 200 potential jurors], yet somehow I don’t see everyone storming the Bastille. You’re serving.

–NY State Supreme Court, Centre St

Overheard by: TW

Posted on August 15, 2006
Buildings, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, History & Geography, Men, Offers and requests, Talking/Convos, Time

Sadly, She Was Unable to Chalk ‘Goldberg’ Off of Her ID

Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m at the Diesel party. Everything’s free. Just come and say you’re one of the Chapin sisters; they never showed up…What you mean? Just go to the door guy and say, “Hi, I’m one of the Chapin sisters.”…I don’t know their first names! Just say you’re a Chapin sister!

–Sky Studios, Broadway

Posted on August 15, 2006
About Celebrities, Advice, Buildings, Celebrations/Parties, Girls, Lies, On Cell

Kind of Your Job, Stephen. Ours, Too.

Stephen Colbert: Coxsackie. It’s something that kids get when they eat their poop, or even worse, someone else’s poop. It’s highly contagious. For instance, in those playpens, with the plastic balls? Sometimes they lick the balls, and they get coxsackie…God, that sounded so wrong.

–The Colbert Report studio, 54th & 10th

Overheard by: future gyno

Posted on August 8, 2006
B-List, Buildings, Comedians, Illness, Men, Poop, TV, Words

Buildings