Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!

Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three…in French. Un, deux, trois.

–Broadway & 93rd St

Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.

–Fordham Road

Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.

–Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.

–Starbucks

Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.

–6 Train

Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.

–Grand Central

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Dads, Education, Family Ties, Gifts, Glad the Condom Broke, Grand Central, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Languages, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Starbucks, Store, Street, The Bronx, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Yuppies

Explains Why I Saw You Cleaning Your Windshield with Her Hair

(guy brings in daughter to work and introduces her to everyone except one woman)
Left out coworker: You brought your daughter in here and introduced her to everyone but me?
Guy: Yeah, so?
Left-out coworker: That's messed up and immature.
Guy: How so? She's my daughter and I do whatever I want with her.

–52nd & 7th

Posted on January 22, 2009
Assholes, Coworkers, Dads, Family Ties, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Stupidity

Crack Rats

Girl, pointing at hose lying on sidewalk: Daddy, is that to make the rats stop smoking?
Dad: Yes.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: MPW

Posted on January 17, 2009
Animals & Nature, Dads, Girls, Grand Central, Smoking, Weirdness

In a Big Red Suit?

Upset three-year-old: I wanna see the balloons go up in the sky!
Father: We'll see it all on tv in the morning and guess who will be at the end of the parade. He's a very very special guest.
Upset three-year-old (now sobbing): Barack Obama.

–81st & Columbus (Macy's Balloon Inflation Site)

Overheard by: Not having children for a long time

Posted on January 10, 2009
Celebrations/Parties, Dads, Kids, President, Questions, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Is That Why You and Mommy Have Handcuffs?

Father to child standing in shopping cart: Suzie, sit down in the cart, standing isn't safe and it breaks the rules.
Suzie: No!
Father, heading towards checkout and spotting police officer fiddling with handcuffs: You see that policeman? If you don't sit down he's going to take you to jail. Oh look, he's taking out his handcuffs and he's going to arrest you now. (Suzie sits immediately)

–Kmart, Astor Place

Posted on January 9, 2009
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Family Ties, Kids, Prison, Should've Used a Condom, Store, Union Square and East Village

Except When Your Mother Was Pregnant with You; That Shit Was Hilarious

20-something chick (smelling pot and laughing): Woo…better cross the street! Wouldn't want to get high on this second hand smoke!
Middle aged father: Yeah, you're right…first hand is always better!

–4th & Washington Square West

Overheard by: agrees with the dad

Posted on December 30, 2008
Dads, Family Ties, Girls, The Village, Weed, Weirdness

The Genesis of Kaylee's Stool-Holding Neurosis

Mom, showing baby box of Dora the Explorer-themed diapers: Look, baby, you're gonna have Dora!
Baby (touching box): Dora!
Dad: You and Dora gonna have beef after you crap all over her.

–Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt Johnson

Posted on December 29, 2008
Babies, Brooklyn, Dads, Families, Food, Kids, Moms, Poop, TV

Wednesday One-Liners Fight for Their Right to Potty

Pissing guy on phone: What do you mean you're not going to have sex with me? (entire bathroom laughs hysterically) See! Even these motherfuckers agree with me!

–Bathroom, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Bobby

Dad to young son in bathroom stall: Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Did you aim in the bowl? Did you aim in the bowl? (son comes out of stall) You did! But you didn't flush. One out of two ain't bad.

–Bathroom, Union Square Movie Theater

(constipation grunts and electronic sounds are heard inside next stall)
Guy in next stall, on walkie-talkie: Hey, Tony, turn the walkie-talkie off when you take a shit!

–Men's Room, Hilton Hotel

Drunk white girl: Oh my god, this bathroom is so dark. How am I supposed to see my vagina?

–East Village

Tall black British guy using the urinal, to himself: Repeat aftah me…you are a rock star! Ah! Yeah!

–5th Avenue

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brits, Dads, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Hotels, Insults, Kids, Laughter, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Questions, Sex, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are 99.9% Effective When Used Properly

Middle-aged lady to guy handing out Obama and McCain condoms: Now I've got something to play with tonight! All I need is a man.

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: I Hate Times Square

30-something dad on cell pushing small child in stroller: You know, I'm all in favor of that Plan B medication.

–Park Slope, Prospect Park

Overheard by: Alex

Girl in elevator to friend: I don't even know why you need condoms, they break anyway. But I didn't get pregnant!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kar

Guy at the sidewalk: Anybody wants McCain, Obama and Palin condoms? McCain, Obama and Palin condoms…get it here! Because either way, you're screwed!

–Times Square

Overheard by: non voter

Girl to bartender: Can I get some of those condoms? (bartender takes out two) I mean, like a bunch? I'm a big dirtbag.

–Boss Tweeds

Suit on cell: You just wrap it in duct tape and put a condom on it.

–7th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman

Posted on December 17, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Brooklyn, College, Condoms, Dads, Friends, Girls, Guys, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Parks, Pregnancy & Birth Control, President, Promiscuity, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Times Square, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Even the Imaginary Ones Are Tired of My Drama

Dad to son who is crying after being pushed by another kid: Johnny*, why are you crying? He didn't do it on purpose. He's your friend.
Johnny: No he's not! No one's my friend! I don't have friends!

–Brooklyn Heights Promenade

Overheard by: Margarita

Posted on December 16, 2008
Brooklyn, Dads, Friendship, Kids, Should've Used a Condom

Dads