Fakes

…That Drive Pink Convertables and Have the Genitalia of a Eunuch!

20‐something girl: I don’t believe in foundation makeup.
50‐something woman: Really?
20‐something girl: I used to wear it a long time ago, when I was younger, but it makes you look so fake, like a doll…which is stupid because we’re people!

–Madison Square Park

Headline by: Skipper

Runners‐Up:
· “…And That’s When I Dropped Out Of Clown School.” — Danny the Mullins
· “Barbie’s Infiltration Plan Is Working” — Natalie
· “Besides, The Tips at the Carnival Were Totally Not Cutting It” — Dave
· “Britney Tries Her Hand at Philosophy” — Fresca P.
· “Excerpts from the Human Tissue‐Silicone Ratio Debate” — ty
· “I Also Refuse Parachutes; I Ain’t No Bird!” — Jeff
· “Max Factor Is…People!” — Chris

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Let’s Not Forget Suck‐the‐venom‐out‐of‐the‐snake‐wound Kisses!

Black dude: When I was a kid, I use to fake choke, so my mom would give me the Heimlich maneuver, whenever I wanted a hug. (pause) You know, one of those “just because” hugs.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Mike D

A Load Of Manhattan Schist

Visiting bimbo, about giant rock formation in Central Park: So, are these real or were they flown in?
Local bimbo: Oh, I’ll have to research that, but I think it’s a little from column A, a little from column B.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Ed

We Warned You

White kid: (mumbles incoherently)
Friend: Alan… Are you pretending to be black again?

–Stuyvestant High

Those Who Marry for Wednesday One‐Liners Earn Them

Girl to friend: I mean, if he was rich I would pretend to like him; but he’s not, so…

–46th & 3rd

Guy on street to couple: Baby girl, you’re just embarrassing yourself. Don’t do it. You know you’re just with him for his money cuz everyone knows white men ain’t got no dick.

–5th & 32nd

Ghetto young man: That is why I’m gonna marry a rich white woman. My daughter needs a good life; my sugar mama can pay for her to go to a private school. I’m a playa, but I gotta marry a rich white woman for my baby girl.

–A Train

20‐something guy to friends: So this chick I like says “let’s wait until you start making money til we start dating.” So I said to her “what makes you think I want to date you once I start making money?”

–St Mark’s

…Real Blood Is Much Easier to Deal With.

Girl: Hey!
Older guy: Hey! How’s your film shoot going?
Girl: Great! I’m almost done!
Random sketch: Be careful not to get any fake blood on your clothes. I know you’re wearing all black, but still. (winks)
(no response)
Random sketch: I used to do a lot of coke.

–E 10th & Ave A

Wednesday One‐Liners Call It “Direct Marketing”

Guy selling city maps, singing to beat of nearby music: Who needs a map? Who needs a map? It’s not a trap!

–Central Park

Ghetto guy selling knockoff perfumes on street: Don’t ask me where I got em’ from, just get em’ before the police come. I got DKNY, my mami J.Lo… Get em’ folks! Get em’

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Alli

Street vendor to customer examining knockoff purses: Hurry it up. I need money.

–Madison & 59th St

Overheard by: Jennifer

Wannabe hip hop artist: Y’all like hip hop? Please look at my CDs. Miss, you have a beautiful forehead. Please buy my CD.

–Times Square

Guy handing out fliers: Hey! You guys like vagina?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Brett

Contemporary Horses Stubbornly Refuse to Get Horn Transplants, Anyway

Upset four‐year‐old girl, looking at tapestries of unicorns: But mom!
Mother: These are fakes, silly. There are no real unicorns here. We’re not at a zoo!

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: Rebecca

It’s Not Delivery– It’s Wednesday One‐Liner!

Student: A lot more people would definitely vote if there was free pizza at polling places.

–Queens College

Overheard by: Suze

Hipster: Papa John’s makes me want to have Aids.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Drunk person: Hey! This isn’t the original Ray’s!

–Ray’s Pizza

Overheard by: Darwin

Girl to friend: So you only need a slice of pizza to get you wet?

–Slaughtered Lamb Pub

Overheard by: sinko

Old dude carrying blue plastic bag to pigeon: Pizza! My darling! Pizza! My pizza!

–9th St & 1st Ave

Hobo to passers‐by: You need a dog! Don’t eat the pizza, you will get fat!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Lily

You Are Welcome to Hit on Me

Thug: Hey! (gestures to Asian worker behind counter at convenience store) You look good, man.
Asian worker, in thick foreign accent: What? What you say to me?
Thug: I said, you look good.
Asian worker: What, what you saying to me?
Thug: Keep doing whatever you’re doing, man. (leaves store)
Asian worker, dropping accent: Fuckin’ crackahs. (sees white girl waiting at counter) Oh, shit, sorry, not you.

–Myrtle Ave & Classon Ave, Brooklyn

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