Insults

Sure, But You Don't Want to Actually Write That on the Mortgage Application

Guy #1: You know how people say that if you give homeless people money, all they'll buy is drugs and alcohol?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well, fuck, that's what I would buy!

–9th St & University Place

Overheard by: Jazz

Headline by: bq

Runners-Up:
· “Behold, the Democratic Stimulus Plan!” – The Trayster
· “I Guess That Explains the Cardboard Box You Live In…” – Timmy
· “I Mean, After I Paid Off My Credit Card Debt, Of Course” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Michael Phelps Has an Epiphany” – JohnnyB
· “Mickey Rourke’s Comeback Was Short-Lived” – Sing it sister!
· “That’s Why You Don’t Have Full Access to Your Trust Fund” – Keith

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Throw in Some Shuffleboard and It's Bordering on Mad Pimpin'

Bartender: Both of the bars have indoor Bocce courts.
Texan: That is bad ass!

–Stand, 12th b/w 5th & University

…And We've Been Together Ever Since.

20-something burnout: Would you like to know what this girl said last night, when she was tripping balls and the cops came to my house?
Friend: She thought she was in a nursing home!
20-something burnout: She was screaming all this crazy stuff. (pause) Wait, are you offended by dirty words?
Friend: Go for it.
20-something burnout: “You dick!”
Friend: Excuse me?
20-something burnout: “You fucking nigger faggot! Bitch-ass spic! I'm a fucking lesbian! You're a fucking lesbian!”

–Mineola Ave, Queens

Wednesday One-Liner Cheney

NYU frat boy to another: Remember that time you popped that zit on my dick?!

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Overheard by: lezbotron

Older suit to younger suit: If you want people to move out of your way you just gotta say shit like: pussy, dick, cunt! (people move out of the way) See?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brad

Thug to another, exiting a deli: The Salvation Army can suck my dick.

–Stanton & Ludlow

Overheard by: CN

Girl wearing hijab: That depends on whose dick it is!

–Hunter College, 68th & Lexington

Overheard by: off white

Then How Can I Be a Jerk Off, Brainiac?

Man #1, annoyed at being pushed: You don't have to push!
Man #2: Well, it was really crowded.
Woman: Welcome to New York!
Man #1, to woman: Your mother!
Woman: That's mature! What are you, in the 5th grade? Grow up, jerk-off!
Man #1: Suck my dick!
Woman: You don't got one, honey!

–F Train

Overheard by: Alliem

Birthplace Of the Soup Renaissance

Dude, looking at soups: What the hell kind of funny person puts bread in soup?
Female pal: It's Tuscan.
Dude, nodding sagely: Oh, well then.

–Park Ave & 54th

Overheard by: pumpkin

But That's My Best Quality!

Guy: You should've sat at my end of the counter. I'm rich and well hung.
Girl: You should've sat at my end. It doesn't turn people into assholes.

–Metro Diner, 100th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Beeeej

…I Was Flashing Him the Whole Time!

Girl #1: Oh my god! Did you see that? He flipped me off!
Girl #2: Well, duh! You ran in front of his car.
Girl #1: So?

–Union Square

Overheard by: sam

But I Guess Baggers Can't Be Choosers

Young woman: Dude, you forgot your purse at my house!
Flamboyantly gay man: It's not a purse, biatch, it's a satchel.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: anna

Sorry, Pal– One Of Your Editors Married Her First

Comedy show ticket seller: Hey! You dropped your scarf!
(girl with scarf around her neck rolls eyes)
Comedy show ticket seller: Hey, you must live here!
Girl: Yeah, and I work in this fucking area, and you tell me that every single night when all I want to do is go home. (looks at tourists listening) Just so you know, “free comedy show” means two drink minimum, and the so-called comedians are just dumb asses who are not not funny at all.
Comedy show ticket seller: Woah! Marry me, please. I'm not trying to be funny, you are fucking amazing!
Girl: Fuck you.
Comedy show ticket seller to tourists: I'm being serious, she's the woman of my dreams!
Tourists: What?

–Times Square

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