Corpulent 70-something gentleman, walking up to reception desk of upscale restaurant: I think I should get an awahd for wearing this shoyt today. You know who dis is? Died 50 yeahs ago on this exact day. Da greatest jazz singah of all time: Billie Holiday.
(reception staff stares blankly)
Corpulent 70-something gentleman: You nevah hoyd of her?!
–Nougatine Room
Overheard by: Andrew
Boy holding food on stick at street fair: Want some, grandpa?
Grandpa: What is it?
Boy: Chocolate covered banana.
Grandpa: No, no, no! A thousand times no!
–64th St & Broadway
Overheard by: hannah g-pa
Thug #1 to old man asking for directions: Ask my man here, he the boy from Queens.
Thug #2: That ain't my fault, nigga! That's just where my momma happened to have me!
–A Train
Overheard by: Jesse
Crazy older guy to lady in park with barking dog: Lady, you keep that dog quiet! That dog is better-looking than you are.
–W 63rd & West End
Overheard by: Beez and Newb
Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pedophilic when I tell you about violating my dog.
–Central Park
Man on cell: You're always saying your dog is sick! "My dog has diarrhea! I can't come out!"
–Fulton & Broadway
Overheard by: would you rather she have it?
Black kid to white couple walking poodle: I've only seen dogs like that in movies.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Poodle Lady
Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there—hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!
–72nd St & Central Park West
Old obese Italian guy sharing pizza and a pitcher of beer with old obese Italian friend: Yeah, so I walk 3-4 miles 5 times a week, and I eat a lot of salad.
–Carmine St.
Fat running lady to friend, watching middle school track team go by: Haha, look at dem running girls. I can run like that too!
–by the Hudson River
Morbidly obese woman walking track to group of friends: Look at all these people runnin da track all fast and shit. (panting) Look at dem with their skinny asses running past us like they're better and shit. Fagmuffins!
–Forest Park Track, Queens
Overheard by: D. Scibe
Girl on cell phone: I mean, usually in order to get a full workout it takes me like an hour to sweat. I never sweat, never. It's always so hard for me to get a workout. (pause) Yeah, seriously, I mean, I've gotta stretch first, work myself up, I mean… Really, it takes a long time til I feel like I've gotten a good workout usually. But this time it was just one… (pause) awesome, huge, unbelievable cock! (pause) Oh, shit, I forgot I'm in public!
–15th & 7th
Cop to guy in handcuffs: I swear to god I won't arrest you if you do 10 push-ups right now. Swear to god.
–28th & 2nd
Man on cell: My identity has totally shifted, and so have my bowel movements.
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: Mickey Smith
Girl to another: I took a shit in Starbucks… did you take a shit in Starbucks?
–Outside Starbucks
Woman to friend: There were no feces for (pause) two days.
–Canal and W Broadway
Overheard by: LizzieD
Girl in toilet stall, repeatedly: Someone pooped on the floor! This is so gross! Medieval freaks! And it's shaped like a dragon! Come here and look at it!
–New York Renaissance Fair
British woman to man she's walking with, as they look at a pigeon: Of course he doesn't have to sit down to poo, he's a bird!
–Washington Square South
Enraged crazy old lady feeding pigeons, to punk kid chasing pigeons: Eat the caca! Eat the caca!
–48th & 8th
Overheard by: ShaghouseGirls
Grumpy old women on subway: Hey, you! I paid two dollars for this and I am tired. Give me that seat!
Teen: Umm… ahh… What the fuck?
–M Train
Overheard by: Zach
Fat old guy: That was refreshing.
Fatter old guy: Yeah. But it's like a dog chasing a car, though–what would you do with it if you caught it?
Fat old guy: Go to jail?
Fatter old guy: Yeah. (chuckles) Sixteen'll get you twenty.
–Hamilton Square
70-year-old lady to hot chick: It's so nice to be sitting next to somebody skinny!
Hot chick: Eh…
–1 Train
Overheard by: I'm skinny too….
Little old black lady: Excuse me.
Metro guy in sunglasses with legs spread across three seats: (no response)
Little old black lady: Son! I know your balls can't be that big. Close your damn legs!
(other people laugh, and Metro guy closes legs)
–N Train
