Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

I Won’t Even Play It With Janeane Garofalo

Bum: Have a happy Wednesday!
Suit: You too, sir.
Bum: You son of a bitch! That’s it; I’m not playing. I’m not playing this game anymore.

–Union Square West

Overheard by: Larry

Posted on May 23, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Nice People, Panhandling, Suits, Union Square and East Village

Pays to Catch ’em Feeling Vulnerable

Hobo holding open door: Hello, beautiful lady.
Woman, dropping a five in cup: You’re one smart son of a bitch.

–86th & Lexington

Posted on May 5, 2008
Compliments, Default, Hobos, Money & Class, Panhandling, Upper East Side, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Between Jobs

Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?

–D Train

Overheard by: sara

Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I’m gonna sing a song and I don’t wanna hurt your ears.

–N 7th & Bedford

Black homeless man: Excuse me… Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?

–6 Train

Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?

–Lafayette & E. 4th St

Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!

–Financial District

Overheard by: nunya

Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I’m homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I’m working, man, what’s up?

–Q Train

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Homeless, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Panhandling, Race, Singing, Street, The Village, Threats, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weather, West Village, Words

Their Ad Expenditures Exceed Their Revenue

Hobo with jar around his neck reading “TIPS” is approached by another hobo wearing a sign reading “CLASSIC BUM.” An American Apparel employee comes out and takes a Polariod.

“TIPS” hobo: This is a Bum War, lady. But you like what you see? Spare some change?

–Houston & Orchard

Posted on March 29, 2008
Default, Hobos, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, Panhandling, Questions, War

I Like Your Pajamas

Hobo: Hey, contribute to the marijuana cause!
Rock kid: No, that’s okay.
Hobo: I know you smoke — your parents don’t know, but I know, and so do you.

–Waverly Theater, 6th Ave

Posted on March 23, 2008
Boys, Default, Hobos, Offers and requests, Panhandling, Parents, The Village, Theater, Weed

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Compliments, Couples, Default, Diet/Weight, Fashion, Fat People, Gripes, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Moms, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Damn, I Knew I Should’ve Pulled Out… Something Else

Hobo: Excuse me, do you have some change so I can buy some dinner?
Girl: Sorry, I don’t carry cash.
Hobo: I bet you’d have some cash if I pulled out my 9mm [makes fake gun with his hand].
Girl, nonplussed: No, I really wouldn’t.

–14th & 3rd

Posted on March 2, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Girls, Hobos, Money & Class, Panhandling, The Village

Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps

Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y’all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y’all don’t need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dollars! Look at me — I got no education, and I turned out just fine.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers

Wheelbo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: MBS

Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker… Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you.

–35th & 4th

Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!

–E train

Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don’t you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!

–34th & 8th

Posted on February 27, 2008
Battery Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Education, Fordham, Gripes, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, News, On the Subway, Panhandling, Wheelbos

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.

–F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

–IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…

–B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Brooklyn College, Default, Flight Attendants, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Idiots, LaGuardia Airport, Movies, On the Subway, Panhandling, Philosophy, Porn, Staten Island, Stupidity, White People, Words

Panhandling