Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn’t afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn’t afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
–Uptown E train
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn’t afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn’t afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
–Uptown E train
Guy: He was like, “My girlfriend gained all this weight, and that’s why I left her,” and all of the girls were like, “Gasp! You monster!” And then he was like, “But it was, like, 95 pounds!” and all of the girls were like, “Gasp! Eww! Gross!”
–Party, 16th & 1st
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.
–C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
–B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
–Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
–N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
–C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
–Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”
–Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
–F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
–A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?
–A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!
–1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!
–PATH train
Young woman #1: So my mother-in-law is in Israel now.
Young woman #2: Oh. That really sucks. Bad timing, huh?
Young woman #1: No, I would say it’s perfect timing. I don’t want her to come back.
Young woman #2: True.
–23rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Stephanie
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
–4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn’t answer? Yeah, I’m working now…What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let’s do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let’s get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I’ll call you later tonight.
–Bell Boulevard, Queens
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What’s it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
–East Village
Overheard by: S.
Thug: …’cause most doctors will tell you, most doctors will actually tell you that a little marijuana is good for the baby.
Pregnant girlfriend: Really?
–14th St
Overheard by: Rationalization Whiplash
Girl #1: Yo, all these places are Greek. Owned by people who are Greek, ya know?
Girl #2: That means they’re from the Middle East, right? Like Yugoslavia and shit.
–28th & Steinway, Astoria
Overheard by: Gregorio
Drunk hobo: You are so fucking beautiful. I am in love with you. Please let me give you a hug.
Girl #1: Please, no.
Drunk hobo: Why all you white girls hate on black people? We not all that bad.
Girl #2: It’s not because you’re black. It’s because you’re covered with open sores and blisters.
–Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Far
