Guy #1: Dude, Rick was totally shitting blood at my house last night…
Guy #2: It must be from all those guys he sucks off…
Guy #3: Totally!
–Midtown
Guy #1: Dude, Rick was totally shitting blood at my house last night…
Guy #2: It must be from all those guys he sucks off…
Guy #3: Totally!
–Midtown
Yuppie chick: You want the rest of my soda?
Yuppie guy: Sure! You didn't put anything in it, did you?
Yuppie chick: I pooed in it.
Yuppie guy: Oh, in that case… (takes a sip)
Yuppie chick: You didn't know I excreted caramel syrup, did you?
Yuppie guy: I'm so happy I have you in my life!
–54th St & Lexington
Ponytailed girl on cell, excitedly: Maybe you have, like, bacterial vaginosis or something! Yeah! That would explain it. No, you don't wanna smell like cinnamon down there, cinnamon toast crotch!
–86th & Lexington
Girl, walking onto stinky train car: Oh, shit, yo! It smells like a whole mess of hot ass up in this piece.
–L Train
Loud singing teen, stopping in mid-song: Damn! Somebody smell like soup!
–F Train
Overheard by: bpm
Smelly woman on elevator: I'ma kick that man's butt. I don't smell that strong!
–Office Building, Harlem
Overheard by: Liz
Man: This place smells like venereal disease!
–Port Authority Subway Tunnel
Overheard by: Courtney
Guy on cell: Who knows what I can do now that I don't smell like dogshit. The sky is the limit. (pause) Yeah, no more living in fear!
–27th & 5th
Group of friends, singing: Tell me more! Tell me more!
Soloist: Did she poop on your face?
–19th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lotte
Guy, rushing into room: Guys, come here. I need a witness in the bathroom right now.
–Times Square
Screaming Latino stepping into urinal: Ah! Ah! Ah! Sorry y'all, I just got dem crabs, so it hurts when it comes out.
–South Ferry
Voice from cubicle emitting diarrhea sounds the day after Yom Kippur: Ugh, Jewish holidays.
–Broadway
Woman coming out of bathroom: I just heard the woman in the stall next to me say, "I love my ample taint."
–Astoria
Overheard by: Alison R
College dude in enthusiastic conversation: I would totally be a cat-sniffer.
–113th St & Broadway
Tall man in heavy German accent: What do you mean the cat can't take a poopy because it is too loud?
–2 Train
Overheard by: Anna
Flaky professional girl: I hate when people are like, "hey, look at that dead bird! Hey, look at that dead cat!" because god, I always look first!
–42nd & 6th
Overheard by: amalthya
Girl on cell: Now you need to marry him for the discounted cat food!
–10th st & 1st Ave
Old man: Could you tell me where a restaurant is?
Security guard: Right there (points to men's room).
Old man: I don't want to shit. I want to eat.
–JFK Airport
Teeny tiny gay guy: I used to be so skinny in high school.
–Staten Island
Teenage girl to another: I mean, why bother to eat anything if you're just gonna shit it all out?
–L Train
Woman carrying baby to friend: Also, I burn an extra 500 calories a day just by breastfeeding!
–5th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: Tracy
20-something guy, about Sour Patch Kids gummy candy: They're fat-free, so they're good for you!
–4 Train
Six-year-old girl, eating bagel: All of the fat from this is going to go straight to my ass!
–A Train
Overheard by: that's just great
Father, pointing out woman cleaning up tiny turd from tiny dog: See, if we got a dog, that's what you would have to do.
Five-year-old son, near hysterics: Noooooo!
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
20-something hipster to another, admiring long-legged blonde: How can you say you believe in evolution?! There is no way that that evolved from a monkey!
–1st Ave & 14th
Overheard by: Evolutionary
Little boy to brother: If I were a monkey, I'd take a crap on you.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Rebecca
Man on cell: Then Tim-Jim jerked him off with his feet. Only a monkey can do that!
–Bedford & Metropolitan
Overheard by: theeatenpath
Middle aged man pushing daughter's stroller: I can't believe she got Curious George's autograph!
–16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Maquaid
