I Think He’s a Latent Wednesday One-liner

Suit: I’m always really careful when I eat so I don’t have to take it up the ass when I go to the dry cleaner.

–Organic Grill, 1st Avenue

Man: I’m telling you, what you should do is take a picture of yourself naked now and then in about two, three months, take another one and compare. Maybe keep doing that, you know? Keep a photo album documenting it. I think you should.

–F train

Overheard by: Jenni Unicorn

Man on cell: Okay, I gotta go ’cause I’m fucking sweating my dick off.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kevin Kilroy

College guy: Have you ever jacked off with your feet?

–TKTS, Duffy Square

Guy on cell: I have a blood clot in my asshole!

–15th & 3rd

Woman: He’s a good friend, but the sex is pretty awful. He a good kisser, but he has trouble further than that. I’m just not his type. I don’t have a penis.

–West 4th Street station

Overheard by: Rachel Adler

Puerto Rican guy: Second-best feeling in the world. First is sex. I
guarantee it.

–Barnes & Noble men’s room, Union Square

Posted on April 16, 2015
Asshole, Backdoor, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Puerto Ricans, Sex, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Yeaaahhh College!

So You Know His Father Was No Help

Older Puerto Rican woman: Did you hear about the story of the Dominican woman who locked up her son for 25 years?
(disinterested friend shakes head)
Older Puerto Rican woman: He was gorgeous… beautiful. You know who he looked like?
Disinterested friend: Who?
Older Puerto Rican woman: Jesus Christ!

–106th St & 3rd Ave

Posted on February 15, 2015
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Friends, Jesus, News, Old People, Physical appearance, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Time, Upper East Side

NYers on the Issues: Shoes

Hispanic girl on cell: I don’t care what shoes you’re wearing, you’re still Puerto Rican!

–92nd & Broadway

Woman: When a girl tells a guy she likes his shoes, that means she wants to fuck him.

–Delancey St.

Posted on December 11, 2014
Fashion, Lower East Side, On Cell, Puerto Ricans, Sex, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

In One Case, Thousands of Greek Soldiers

Puerto Rican teen #1: That’s nothing. I seen a horse give birth on the TV. That baby horse just come outta the big horse butt all slimy and shit.
Puerto Rican teen #2: Oh, snap?
Puerto Rican teen #1: For real, yo. That’s some big stuff comin’ outta your butt if you’re a horse and shit…

–14th St, between Ave A & Ave B

Posted on November 15, 2014
Animals & Nature, Ass, Idiots, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Puerto Ricans, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Teens, TV, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"

–Fulton St

Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn

Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.

–Downtown 2 Train

Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!

–10th & 53rd

Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.

–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Bryan Bruner

Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice

Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez

Posted on October 3, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Astoria, Babies, Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Family Ties, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Poop, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Prison, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Robbing the Cradle, Street, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Lost Their MetroCard

Hipster guy: Dude, he always blames it on the train dispatcher. He needs to own his problems, you know?

–F train

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Posted on September 5, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Anger Management, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Hipsters, History & Geography, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Puerto Ricans, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Travel

Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much

Puerto Rican Teenager #1 in Williamsburg: “Hey, calling someone else gay means that you’re gay!”

Puerto Rican Teenager #2: “Are you calling me gay? ARE YOU CALLING ME GAY? I’m not gay! Bring any woman out here right now, and I will fuck her in front of you all, in front of the world. Anyone. Do it, right now! I will show the whole world that I am not gay! Do you hear me? Do you hear me? I AM NOT GAY!”

Posted on July 23, 2014
Anger Management, Brooklyn, Latinos, People, Places, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Queers, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Sexuality, Teens, Williamsburg

…and all my personal calls are annoying

Who: Puerto Rican teenage girl
Where: East Village
What: “I can set whatever rings I want on this phone for whoever calls me. So all my business calls are Scooby-doo.”

Posted on July 16, 2014
Business and Commerce, Cell Phone, Girls, Puerto Ricans, Teens, TV, Union Square and East Village

Men Are Always Looking for the Next Muffin

Nauseated Puerto Rican woman to sleepy Puerto Rican man: What if I was pregnant?
Sleepy Puerto Rican man: I am not prepared to answer that question. I'm focusing on what kind of muffin I'm going to get.

–R Train

Overheard by: The Best Answer I've Ever Heard!

Posted on August 16, 2010
Food, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Puerto Ricans, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Gravy

20-something girl to another: You know, with most of the other saints, the way they met their demise had no entertainment value!

–Morningside Heights

Woman to guy, nodding thoughtfully: Hell, no, I'm not going to jail! I don't care if he killed him, he's not gonna kill me too!

–Crown Heights

Grandpa wearing Brooklyn dodgers cap to grandson: Listen to me! Are you listening to me? The last two guys who didn't listen to me ended up dead with their heads blown off! Is that what you want? (pause) So… You hungry?

–IKEA Parking, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gene D. Gray

30-something guy: If I were 28, in great shape, and everyone loved me, I wouldn't just be in trouble with the law, I'd be dead.

–Mooncake Foods, Soho

Overheard by: Robert

Crazy Puerto Rican with wild poodle: Mira! Mira! Cancel the fucking casket–she ain't dead yet, bitch! Mira!

–86th St & East End

Posted on July 14, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Death, Families, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Physical appearance, Prison, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Religion, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Threats, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires, Women

Puerto Ricans