White volunteer tutor from Princeton: So imagine I'm trying out for the basketball team…
Black student #1: You play basketball?
Black student #2: Do you play tennis?
Black student #1: That's racist!
–Public High School, Queens
White volunteer tutor from Princeton: So imagine I'm trying out for the basketball team…
Black student #1: You play basketball?
Black student #2: Do you play tennis?
Black student #1: That's racist!
–Public High School, Queens
Theology professor, after struggling with projection screen: This is Satan doing this to me.
–Lincoln Center, Fordham University
Crazy man with bullhorn: Hanukkah is for God, Christmas is for Satan!
–Fordham Plaza
Conductor: This is an uptown a train making all local stops. Yes, you heard right, all local stops. The e train is out of service today, as it is on a vacation to hell. Stand clear of the closing doors, please!
–A Train
Overheard by: Kirstie
Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay-Z is like a devil worshipper. No, seriously, he's like a Freemason or whatever. They all are: him, Madonna, Britney…
–J Train
Seven-year-old tourist to mother: Are we going somewhere safe where the devil won't get me?
–34th & 28th
Music teacher: So, how do you control the sound of a recorder?
Embarrassed teenage boy: Um… You put your fingers… Uh, in the hole. And the higher you want the sound to be, the more fingers you put in the hole.
Music teacher: Is there any other way to control the sound?
Embarrassed teenage boy: Well, the harder you blow, the faster the sound will come. And the softer you blow, the slower it'll come.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Guy, rushing into room: Guys, come here. I need a witness in the bathroom right now.
–Times Square
Screaming Latino stepping into urinal: Ah! Ah! Ah! Sorry y'all, I just got dem crabs, so it hurts when it comes out.
–South Ferry
Voice from cubicle emitting diarrhea sounds the day after Yom Kippur: Ugh, Jewish holidays.
–Broadway
Woman coming out of bathroom: I just heard the woman in the stall next to me say, "I love my ample taint."
–Astoria
Overheard by: Alison R
Female teenage hood rat #1: Yeah, he broke up with her. She was too quiet all the time, too soft.
Female teenage hood rat #2: (mumbles incoherently)
Female teenage hood rat #1: Yeah, now he wants to kick her ass.
–Q4 Bus, Queens
Teenage boy, explaining why he joined the Air Force: We've been around since World War II. We fought against the Germans and sank several submarines. We also killed a whale, but that's not the point.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
20-something dude to friend: Ma-fucking-rines! The Marines! Man, I'ma join up, be a Marine, and go all over the world, fuck, and have babies. I'ma get laid and have a baby in every country: Spain, France… even Pakistan!
–50th & 8th
Overheard by: camillia*
Little boy in army fatigues hiding behind fallen tree: Pow! Pow! Look, mommy! It's the Battle of the Bulge!
–St. Mark's
Lady with Russian accent to salesperson in outerwear section: I don't like the style, it's not feminine. It's like for soldiers, or Chinese people.
–Lord & Taylor, 39th St
Overheard by: mira
Off-duty MTA worker to another: Britain? Whatever man, we beat they ass with… muskets and shit!
–6 Train
Daughter: I'm just thinking out loud.
Mother: Well, don't. Keep it in your head.
Daughter: But mom, it's the only way I can include you in my thoughts.
Mother: That's okay.
Daughter: But mom, don't you want to be smart?
Mother: No, I'm okay the way I am.
–Kew Gardens Road & Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Laura
20-something guy #1: You don't go to see a bitch without a condom.
20-something guy #2: Depending on how well I know her, yeah I do.
–Queens
Overheard by: Tara
Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month.
–Broadway & 43rd St
Overheard by: Maria
Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt!
–Vandam St & 6th Ave
20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia.
–R Train
Overheard by: Note to self….
Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah… I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'.
–Jamaica, Queens
Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer.
–Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th
Overheard by: Newsbunny
Chinese teen #1: Dude, you are “Fat Kevin” on my cell.
Chinese teen #2: What?
Chinese teen #1: I can't tell all you Kevins' voices! There's a fat Kevin, a skinny Kevin, an Indian Kevin, and just Kevin.
–Internet Cafe, Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Renata
