Two Wednesdays, One-Liner

Thuggette to two friends: So we, like, had a threesome, just without the sex.

–Kingsborough Community College

Hipster boy holding Christmas wreath: Well, no, I wasn't part of the threesome.

–Pearl St & John St

Overheard by: Matthew

Blonde 30-something: I love threesomes. That's when you go shopping with two friends, right? Right?

–77th & Lexington

Overheard by: iwantinonthat

Suit on cell: Were you invited to the gangbang? I wasn't invited! She always invites me to the gangbang! Fucking whore!

–86th & Park Ave

Overheard by: i wasn't invited either!

Conductor: Man, I am telling you, those two girls were just not ready, ready for me.

–A Train

Hobo: I would like money to buy beer so I can get drunk, and take home two women so they can molest me.

–M&M Store

Posted on February 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Hobos, Insults, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgy, Sex, Shopping, Store, Suits, Three is Company, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Going Back to Iraq Looks Better Every Day, Huh?

Woman to husband in magazine section: Honey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom before I pay for all…
Husband, interrupting: Whatever. (to stranger) Ugh! Marriage. I have a son, too. It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?

–Barnes & Noble, Bayside

Overheard by: sympathetic bookseller

Posted on February 24, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Couples, Family Ties, Marriage, Queens, Shopping, Store, Strangers

Not the Fitted Kind, Either, Like a Slut

Woman on date: So tell me about your trip through Asia.
Man on date: Um… Yeah, so after dinner, do you want to go to K-Mart so I can watch you buy sheets? Because it would really turn me on if I could watch you buy sheets.

–East Village

Posted on February 21, 2009
Dating, Horny, Men, Offers and requests, Shopping, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Why Don't You Just Get Life Savers?

Hipster guy: I need some toothpaste and…what else did I say I needed?
Hipster girl, shouting: Condoms!
Hipster guy: Shhhhh!
(everyone in store starts chuckling)
Hipster girl: The extra small ones.
Hipster guy: Shhhh!
Hipster girl: With a juicy flavor!

–Rite Aid, 6th Ave & 11th St

Posted on February 20, 2009
Cleanliness, Condoms, Girls, Guys, Height, Hipsters, Shopping, Store, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

As Required by the Hag Code's Minimum Sentencing Guidelines

Girl: So you fucked my ex?
Gay guy: I'm sorry, I was wasted! (starts crying)
Girl: He was mine, dammit! We're definitely not shopping tomorrow.

–Union Square

Posted on February 6, 2009
Anger Management, Apologies, Crying, Girls, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Shopping, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday Sung Liners

Blonde middle aged woman, singing, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland": Walking in a Weeeeeiner Wonderland…

–Food Store, 57th St

Hobo, rummaging in trash, to tune of "Blue Suede Shoes": One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go. Gonna rob this town, rob this town tonight.

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: thevineyard

am New York guy, singing loudly: Get am New York! Stay dry! Thank god you're aliiiiiiive!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Hobo, singing while passing by shopping cart: Push, push in the bush, yeah, push it in the bush!

–16th St & 5th Ave

Gay gentleman, singing in response to another gay gentleman dancing down the street in pouring rain: He's gayer in the rain, he's gayer in the rain!

–W 23rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jess

Man to Spanish guy singing "La Bamba": Shut the fuck up!

–51st St Station

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Free stuff!, Gays and Lesbians, Grocery Stores, Guys, Happiness, Hobos, Insults, Latinos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, One-liners, Only in New York, Queer guys, Shopping, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Thievery, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!

Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three…in French. Un, deux, trois.

–Broadway & 93rd St

Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.

–Fordham Road

Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.

–Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.

–Starbucks

Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.

–6 Train

Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.

–Grand Central

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Dads, Education, Family Ties, Gifts, Glad the Condom Broke, Grand Central, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Languages, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Starbucks, Store, Street, The Bronx, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Yuppies

…As It's Known in Scotland…

Girl: Excuse me, do you know if there's a Bed Bath & Beyond around here?
Confused doorman: Bloody bed and be what?

–47th & 2nd, Dag Hammerskjold Towers

Overheard by: Doug Stone

Posted on January 18, 2009
Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Questions, Shopping, Strangers, Weirdness

100% Edible Wednesday One-Liners

Short girl: Yo, Friday? I'm getting done. Done! Getting saucy. Saucy! With two double Es. "Sau-cee!" Like pasta! Nigga, I get buns!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ben B.

Office drone to coworker: So yeah, they have this like big place in the city. But they have a patio and a garden and they cook every single night. They cook on their patio! But not like my cooking. Not cereal. They make braised lamb.

–32nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Marie Z.

Teen on cell: Mmm, that peppercorn brandy sauce was gangster.

–72nd & Colombus

Overheard by: Lauren

Random dude: Maybe they'll let you put a biscuit on lay-away.

–KFC, 106th & Broadway

Guy on cell: So, I just need to get some toilet paper, tomato soup, and chain myself in the room for a while.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Brigdh

Eight-year-old kid to mother, referring to generic cereal: Yo, they've got bootleg Froot Loops!

–Target, Atlantic & Flatbush

Overheard by: Ravi

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Store, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Wednesdays You Don't Need, at One-Liners You Can't Afford

Guy rushing past crowd: Why would I go to work on the day of Barneys Warehouse sale…are you insane?

–78th & Broadway

20-something white guy: Enough of this hippie shit. Let's go to the four floor Abercrombie.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Alison

Girl: I was so depressed. I actually almost bought that leather jacket from Express. Whose bright idea was it to have the MCAT testing center in a shopping district?

–1 Train

20-something woman to another: Wow, it's just like the Westchester mall here, only outside.

–Bleecker & W 10th

Very Caucasian tourist: Holy frick! Where is The Gap?

–42nd & Broadway

Middle aged woman in hot pink, yelling: I won't shop today! I will not shop! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I will not fucking shop today! I won't shop! Fuck you!

–Urban Outfitters

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Shopping