Suit: Am I going to be charged for the giant roach that fell on my head while I was eating?
Cashier lady: Um…no.
–Spade’s Noodles, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Becca and Christa
Suit: Am I going to be charged for the giant roach that fell on my head while I was eating?
Cashier lady: Um…no.
–Spade’s Noodles, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Becca and Christa
Teen girl #1: Man… I really need some hair gel.
Teen girl #2: This morning, my mom told me I was too fat to go to prom.
–Bathroom, Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: thivnav
Woman #1: There is no ethical dilemma! It’s right there in the Bible!
Woman #2: Oh, Bible schmible.
Woman #1: Honestly, Helen. Is that the best rejoinder you can manage? Can we possibly have just one discussion without you pulling out the schmefix?
–Stuyvesant Town Oval
Overheard by: Laid‐Off Dad
Flamboyant hipster Latino to straight‐looking Latino boyfriend: Someday he’ll call you daddy, and then all hell is gonna break loose.
–Ave C & 16th St
Lady to nine‐year‐old boy: I hate to tell you, but your dad is in jail. He owes me a lot of money!
–R Train
Guy on cell: Yeah, look, I told you. Your bail was set at $18,000. The bail bondsman wants 10%. Where the fuck am I supposed to get $1,800 to bail your sorry ass out of jail? (pause) Yeah, I love you too, dad.
–33rd St b/w 7th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
FedEx delivery guy on cell: How the hell did Halle Berry get pregnant without me being the father?
–Spruce St
Overheard by: janine
Serious man to dog: I am very disappointed in you. I expect more of you than that.
–Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Sunny
Woman to pooping Jack Russell terrier: Don’t even pay attention to all those people who are looking at you. They all poop too. Everybody poops!
–University & 9th
Little girl, angrily to her dog for going at a mural: You just peed on Barack Obama!
–East Village
Overheard by: Z
Woman to dog: No, we can’t go in there; that’s an evil pet store.
–50th & 9th
Overheard by: Natalie
Woman to her dog: You know, there are a lot of crazy people in the world. That’s why I trust your opinion so much.
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Jessie
Little boy, looking at bus ad: Mommy, who is he?
Mother: That’s Judge Judy.
–16th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Joe Masilotti
Middle aged woman on cell: You will never see your penis again! No more penis! Is that punishment enough for you?
–82nd & Columbus Ave
Black man to friend: None of them jeans fit, cuz my cock is just too huge, nigga!
–Steve & Barrys, Mariners Harbor Staten Island
Overheard by: Samantha
Sister to brother leaning on her crossed leg: Excuse me, I feel like your pee‐pee is resting on my foot.
–7 Train
Latina to friend: He did everything short of taking out his penis and smacking him with it!
–Jerome Ave, the Bronx
Chick: Man, I just feel like there are a lot of penises and penis information in my life lately.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Meister E.
Middle aged man on cell: But does she know about King Dong, the penis pump?
–Stuyvesant St, Manhattan
Lady on cell: I’ve been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don’t know which one to choose. It’s so hard…it’s been like years since I’ve bought toothpaste.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Doreen
40‐something woman: I’m always wondering, is it teeth or tits?
–MJ Armstrong’s Public House
Overheard by: JP
Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.
–Grand St, Brooklyn
Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn’t want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.
–Hester & Grand
Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!
–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway
College girl looking for a costume: I want to be a bumblebee – but not a slutty bumblebee!
–Ricky’s, Near Columbia
Overheard by: M
Suit on cell: Just put a paper bag over your head and you can be that guy! You’re the paper bag guy!
–Sheepshead Bay Road (on Halloween)
Young child to mother, after walking by a large group of people in zombie make‐up: Mommy, that homeless man said he wanted to eat brains!
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Blair
Girl in Supergirl costume, yelling on cell: I’m so sick of walking. (pause) I said I’m fucking sick of walking! (pause) I’m just dressed like Supergirl, you asshole, I can’t *actually* fly!
–E 20th, Stuyvesant Town
Loud young Latina on Halloween: I wanted to be a hooker today, but I couldn’t afford the costume.
–Troutman & Knickerbocker, Bushwick
Girl to another (dressed as Wilma Flintstone the morning after Halloween): Man, the Halloween walk of shame is the worst!
–33rd & 3rd
Employee: I was eatin’ with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus…and that’s why you’re so ugly.
–The Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Dazzle
Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don’t need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Rich
Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey…there are just so many ugly white women in Europe…it’s got to be something in the water!
–45th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Culturally Challenged
20‐something guy on cell: She ain’t the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.
–Throop & Macon, Bedford‐Stuyvesant
Overheard by: elephantgiraffe
Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don’t hang out with them on weekends.
–McCarren Park Pool
Overheard by: I don’t hang out with ugly people
Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay’s aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, “pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do.”
–W 65th St. & Columbus Ave
