I Was Told There Would Be No Wednesday One-Liners on This Exam

Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!

–34th & Broadway

Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.

Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.

–Midwood, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Feliz Navidad

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyla

Posted on June 11, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Crazies, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Time, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

If So, I’ll Need Big Trash Bags and Ten Minutes in My Apartment

Dispatcher’s voice on walkie talkie: Four black males seen in the subway station, dressed as women. Repeat, four black males dressed as women.
Cop, into walkie talkie: Ten-four to central… Is that breaking a law?

–77th St Subway Station

Overheard by: AJ

Posted on June 8, 2008
Clothing, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Questions, Race, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

We Must Bring This Architectural Concept Home to Tennessee

Southern tourist, looking at opposite platform: Oooh, that’s a pretty wall.
Friend: Yeah.
Southern tourist: [Turns around.] There’s one on this side, too!

–N Train

Overheard by: Raye

Posted on May 23, 2008
Compliments, Default, Friends, Southerners, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Posted on May 21, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gyms, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, Parents, Psychology, Queer guys, Questions, Religion, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Threats, Weirdness, Women

I Was Filled with the Holy Spirit –Until I Peed.

20-something girl: … And then he drank the holy water, wait, no. I drank the holy water, and he got sick, but I didn’t.
20-something guy: Did it cure your gout?
20-something girl, angrily: I don’t have the gout!

–Crowded Elevator, Atlantic Ave Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tigertail

Posted on May 19, 2008
Brooklyn, Christianity, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Girls, Guys, Illness, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Motorboatable Wednesday One-Liners

20-something woman to friends: I mean they said they’d pay me $20 for it. I would show them one for $20, why not? One boob for $20? I mean, maybe they thought it was a big deal since we were at work.

–N Train Platform, 34th St Station

Overheard by: Regina

[Two young woman crossing the street. One turns to the the other and grabs her breast.]Grabber girl: Honk!
[Both giggle and cross street into Victoria’s Secret.]

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chockita

Female boss to employee in low-cut shirt: Your boobs are awesome. But -I’m just gonna have to do this. [Pulls up employee’s neckline.] Because…I just wanna dive in there. Head-first.

–Theater, St Marks Place

Overheard by: fhqwhgads

Professor: So you see, men only like women’s boobs because of cleavage.

–Bard High School Early College

Tourist girls: [In unison from the door] Booooobies! [Run to the big naked lady sculpture and poses to take a picture].

–Columbus Circle

Teen girl to friend: Julia! Put your titties away!

–14th & 6th

Bored, drunken guy in a silent train cart: So does anyone wanna show their titties?

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Not drunk enough to flash

Posted on May 14, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compliments, Coworkers, Drunks, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Lesbians, Lower East Side, Money & Class, Nipples, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Prostitution, Questions, School, Sexuality, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Theater, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh

Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Stan

Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!’

–Columbia University

Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him… But only if I had the ninja outfit on.

–Ludlow St.

[Four NYPD cops are checking people’s bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don’t seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]

–W 4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: KL

Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman…

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ike

Woman on cell: I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. And right now what I’m doing is looking at comic books.

–Forbidden Planet

Overheard by: Josh

Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek… But he had asperger’s, so he won.

–Central Park

Posted on May 14, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Leisure, On Cell, Orgasm, Parks, Penn Station, Psychology, Sorority Girls, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, The Village, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

And I’m Not Even Positive This One Is Mine

Older woman: Oh, is this your first baby?
Young pregnant girl: No, this is my last baby!

–Times Square Station

Posted on May 8, 2008
Babies, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Old People, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Times Square, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Locked in the Bathroom for an Awfully Long Time

Boy, to uninterested girl: You gotta date me! What you mean you only date 25-year-olds? Do you know what 25-year-old guys do?? They masturbate. All the time. It’s true -my dad told me.

–Fordham Road Subway Station

Overheard by: …as opposed to guys of all other ages??

Girl on cell: They keep doing it, and it’s ridiculous. I mean, they should just whack it off in the bathroom like everybody else does.

–Auditions, 35th & 8th

Chick on cell: What’s wrong with jerking off in the baggage claim at the start of a three day weekend?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Surly stocker to fellow coworker: If they keep calling me upstairs, I am not going to have time to eat, or masturbate, or anything!

–Duane Reade, 58th & 8th

Overheard by: I’m busy too

Boy on cell: I’ve never gone all the way with anyone -you know? [Pause.] … I’m just enjoying myself.

–Broadway , Near Columbia University

Overheard by: julie

Posted on May 7, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Dating, Duane Reade, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Masturbation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Bronx, Time, Weirdness

Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Motorboatable Wednesday One-Liners