Wednesdays and the One-Liners Who Hate Them

Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.

–Something Else, Park Slope

Overheard by: jayloo

White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.

–W 57th & 11th

Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.

–Astoria-Bound N Train

Overheard by: Ben

Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.

–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope

Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.

–Port Washington Train

Posted on June 25, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Heroin, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Relationships, Sex, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, White People

If You Do the Allstate Gesture Again I’m Gonna Smack You

Asian guy to girlfriend: That’s the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.

–49th St Station

Overheard by: missalicious

Posted on June 21, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Default, Food, Girlfriends, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc., White People

Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan Dialogue Is Growing Increasingly Sinister

Guy: See you!
Girl: See you!
Guy: I love you!
Girl: You are killing me.
Guy: I ought to kill you.
Girl: What?!

–34th Street Station, B Line

Posted on June 19, 2008
Default, Fears, Girls, Guys, Love, Pick-up Lines, Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven

Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!

–2 Train Platform, Wall Street

Overheard by: Gin in Tonic

Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Withnail

Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.

–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum

Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.

–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: sometimesdee

Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!

–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!

–34th St

Overheard by: Chloe

Posted on June 18, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

I Was Told There Would Be No Wednesday One-Liners on This Exam

Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!

–34th & Broadway

Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.

Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.

–Midwood, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Feliz Navidad

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyla

Posted on June 11, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Crazies, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Time, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

If So, I’ll Need Big Trash Bags and Ten Minutes in My Apartment

Dispatcher’s voice on walkie talkie: Four black males seen in the subway station, dressed as women. Repeat, four black males dressed as women.
Cop, into walkie talkie: Ten-four to central… Is that breaking a law?

–77th St Subway Station

Overheard by: AJ

Posted on June 8, 2008
Clothing, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Questions, Race, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

We Must Bring This Architectural Concept Home to Tennessee

Southern tourist, looking at opposite platform: Oooh, that’s a pretty wall.
Friend: Yeah.
Southern tourist: [Turns around.] There’s one on this side, too!

–N Train

Overheard by: Raye

Posted on May 23, 2008
Compliments, Default, Friends, Southerners, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Posted on May 21, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gyms, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, Parents, Psychology, Queer guys, Questions, Religion, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Threats, Weirdness, Women

I Was Filled with the Holy Spirit –Until I Peed.

20-something girl: … And then he drank the holy water, wait, no. I drank the holy water, and he got sick, but I didn’t.
20-something guy: Did it cure your gout?
20-something girl, angrily: I don’t have the gout!

–Crowded Elevator, Atlantic Ave Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tigertail

Posted on May 19, 2008
Brooklyn, Christianity, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Girls, Guys, Illness, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Subway stations, platforms, etc.